You’re assuming she gives a fuck.

I disagree. I think this bride _should_ confront her friend about the lack of gift, so that the bridesmaid has the opportunity to shit in a box and mail it to her, but that's just me.

MY BLOOD PRESSURE. MY BLOOD PRESSURE. MY EYES JUST POPPED OUT OF MY HEAD.

Also, it’s “would have”, not “would of”. That crap drives me nuts!

My peeve is the people who “ball” their eyes out on Facebook.

And just a peevish reminder: aw and awe are two different things.

That prancing ninnyhammer is about as bright as a black hole and twice as dense.

It’s probably the reason why I don’t have one! It’s as if The Man Upstairs looked at me and said

My sister and I were just saying that if we were guys we’d probably get our dicks stuck in things in a non sexual way just to see if they fit.

That is next-level

I think she’s the human embodiment of a selfie stick.

Are you talking about Girl(s)?

If trial by combat is going to become a thing, I’d like that to be the format of the Republican convention.

Affectionately referred to as asparapiss.

The term “asparagus water” makes me think about how asparagus pee smells.

At least we know how to spell “weird” right.

As always...

And limits on what kinds of guns you can buy, how many you can buy, waiting periods, mandatory registries, required reporting to doctors, limits on clip size, registry for ammo purchases...basically, I want it to be very onerous and expensive to own a gun.

I know I am totally missing the point of this very important and serious post, but - CHUCK SCHUMER AND AMY SCHUMER ARE COUSINS???