Has “week-old haggis” made it into the Jezebel staff lexicon yet? This is super accurate.

“an unkempt troll doll found floating facedown in a tub of rancid Beluga caviar”

Donald Trump is about as welcome as a week-old haggis, with taste to match.

I’ve never seen a nose ring that looked good on a man. Dudes like Slash or Lenny Kravitz get a pass because sometimes you have to consider the whole package, but overall do not like.

for blood test you submit cranberry juice

Point for Sorkin. I didn't need to know so many members of my species were displaying minions from their genitals.

That creepy Jack-In-The-Music-Box is still floating around our garage somewhere. Probably plotting its revenge.

this was my shit

At 15, if he was luring underage girls to perform sex acts on himself and adults, he is also a victim of sexual exploitation by those adults. No matter how much he enjoyed himself or how eager he was to take part.

I am not sure I can look entirely past his age here. It’s fully possible that he’s been groomed and used by two adults to act as a lure on their behalf, whether he realizes that or not.

Titties AND boobies! That's the life.

Fernandez was released to his mother and required to wear an ankle monitor.

No, no, no he said she wasn’t a slut. Not like those other 14 year old sluts/temptresses. No not a slut. Different than other 14 year olds.

“But here I go anyway!!”

Not nearly as wonderful as 1984’s Peaches ‘N Cream Barbie:

Best part of the monologue? Leslie Jones scaring Thor, of course! The women’s team is really strong this year. Although Kate McKinnon is still my #1, I think Bayer, Jones, and Bryant are all tied for #2.

DON’T THEY KNOW HE ACCIDENTALLY FELL IN ALL THOSE VAGINAS????

Call 911 and let them know you’re aware that you are being pulled over but will wait until you’re somewhere safe.

I too found his reaction jarring and chilling and sickening in a way I couldn’t quite articulate. A true monster, crying like a toddler, looking for sympathy. The distance between that tantrum and taking his punishment like an adult is just... stunning and enraging.