Since this is Max “what broken nose” Scherzer - “back spasms” must mean literal scarab beetles crawling around under his skin and chewing on his muscles and tendons, a la 1999's The Mummy. 

OK, in all seriousness, why do we not have these kinds of brawls here in the US (outside of Philadelphia)? And why does it seems like it’s exclusively soccer? We’ll have the occasion brawl in the stands but nothing remotely close to these kinds of events. In my memory, the closest thing I can think of is the Malice…

“Sometimes, obviously, your moral compass can trump business interests. And it can cost you your job. Look at the Colin Kaepernick.”

I’m so excited to see who Dan Snyder tries to hire in the offseason. It’s going to be absolutely ridiculous. There’s always Bill Cowher, but that’s almost too boring. He’s going to call Urban Meyer. Could this be the time to bring Bobby Bowden into the fold? It very well could. Is Mark Rypien available? 

Disagree that the A’s are chum. Baseball is funny. They could beat Houston in a microscopic five game sample.

Can he pitch though?

Mookie for Syndergaard, Diaz & Dom Smith.

Vázquez then told police that he and the victim had “sex but not really,” per the court record.

Jesus. Would be great if Archer had the jam to say ‘innocent until proven guilty but if he’s guilty we want him gone’.

Hmmm...

Ah yes. Roethlisberger & Bonds, two of the biggest egos in the history of Pittsburgh sports. They should join heads (pun) & make ice cream: Ben & Barrys Douche Nozzle Cherry Swirl.

“Potato” is a shape.

Remember last season when all the stories in the off-season were about Ben Roethlisberger getting in shape?

To give his should some rest, Tyreek’s son will now be taught how to kick-box

I find Pittsburgh Pugilism to be far superior...hmm.

The absolute slowness of football is hidden by replays of catches and non-catches and bone-crushing tackles from every angle.

This is a great piece, Neil. Actual data to investigate some of the commonly-spoken claims! Imagine that!