Seriously, that was my first thought before taking a closer look at the story.

Pictured: Proof that Jay Williams continues to have appalling lapses in judgement.

Pictured: Proof that Jay Williams sustained permanent brain damage from his career-ending motorcycle crash.

I'm not with you on this.

Beyond speculation, how would either Funes Mori be eligible for the U.S.? I don't believe they were born in the U.S. or any of their parents or grandparents are citizens. Since they're now in their 20s, parents becoming citizens now wouldn't help the younger generation.

Think or hope... I read that they're hoping he can be a key part of their "globalizing the brand" to the United States. But let's see him make his Bundesliga debut before we start declaring that he's arrived. That is a tough squad to break into. I wonder if there's any consideration of a loan deal to get him…

With a coaching change, anything from before August 2011 is going to be pretty irrelevant, but god - Ike Opara and Jon Bornstein? Yeesh!

Another key difference for Jones is that he played for Germany in senior national team friendlies - not a FIFA competition (or the qualifying that leads to it). Even UEFA qualifying for the U-17 World Cup (or U-20, etc.) is more relevant to cap-tying than a friendly at any level.

I don't get the speculation on Alonso, seems like a pretty open-shut case that he ain't ever going to be USMNT-eligible - he already represented Cuba in a FIFA-recognized competition, before becoming eligible for the U.S.

Please file these projections away for future reference and revisit in 2017 or 18. I find it amusing when people look four years down the road and forget that there are several (key) members of the 2014 squad that weren't remotely on the radar in June-July 2010, and similar situations have played out in 2006 or 2002…

Thank you for putting words in my mouth. If only that were a substitute for feeding the hungry...

He was a very good player in age-level competition (U-17, U-20, U-23) but once you start having to compete with men rather than boys, he was out-of-place. He was an average MLS player and intrigued a couple of international clubs based on his age and potential, but hasn't impressed.

In little league, are there thousands of fans cheering, potentially making it difficult to hear a teammate shout?

There is a time and place to have a serious discussion about world hunger and whether as a society, the actions of America are sufficiently addressing that serious matter - both at home and abroad. July 4th is not the time. The comments section of Deadspin is not the place.

I had to google "Mark Shrayber" to see if I could ascertain whether or not he is a bored tween. Interesting finding: it sounds like this is an actual adult with more than one employer.

The headline totally oversold it. What a letdown. Annoying.

Drew?

To be clear: you're right about Nate Robinson = "great player"?

I'm not a big NBA guy the last several years, but I tend to know the major plot-lines - I honestly cannot name one player on Phoenix. Is the lesser Lopez twin there?

1. Is he talking about Josh Brent? Or Donté Stallworth? Or Dwayne Goodrich? Or Leonard Little? Or Jeff Alm? Or Dany Heatley? Or Christopher Fitzsimons? Or Craig MacTavish?