Elsewhere I posted:

May I go outside? I hear its spring now.

I can type fast as hell with 95% confidenve that I’m going to hir the right key, up until a month ago when I vut the tip of my legt index finger off. Now I hace to look at the keyboard whrn I type, dur to lack of range, and I found that when I look at the keyboars and not the screen, UI maje more mistakse

“DID SOMEONE CALL FOR A JOHNSON”

Fittipaldi Slattery has a nice ring to it. Solid work.

If this leads to me seeing Rihanna in lingerie, I fully support this.

Hey, if fetuses were armed with AR-15s, no doctor would dare try to abort them.

He probably tells his tailor he’s 6'3.

Finally a chance to throw batteries at someone’s head out of joy instead of anger.

The gal I’m stuck watching football with would instead ask what’s on HGTV and why in the hell I hadn’t yet emptied the dishwasher.

I’m willing to bet that she weighs the same as a duck

Somewhere in alabama roy moore both messed his pants AND declared this video some sort of commie, illegal immigrant witchcraft.

If true that I hogged the mic at my friend’s karaoke birthday party, and in fact sang so many songs that I was the last person in the room while a nice man turned on the lights and began clearing our glasses, that would be unacceptable behavior—but I’d need to know who your sources are.

AB, should I pickle roasted marshmallows?

The truly amazing part of this story is that it took a teenage boy more than four strokes to finish.

Co-Anchor: Oh wow! Haha seems like Natalie’s having a hard time with that chip! Hahahaha. Hang in there Natalie!

It’s ironic because her husband has a body that’s double the weight it should be.

I do a great job of blocking

I think Charmin Sandiego is a better name than The Mad Pooper.

“Circled” Jerk