You know they graded that shit on a curve, too, same as his weight. “I knew what the kitty picture was, I knew what the unicorn picture was, I even got the sand-ni****-horse picture correct. I have the best answers from my brain.”

I was in the middle of a group messenger conversation with a pal who lives in Hawaii and it was fucking surreal. Her message:

I gotta tell you, these marzipan updates are giving me life right now. Thank you.

Do you think Donald would do the Tide pod challenge if Putin told him to? Someone should tell him that Obama did it and not only survived but he also got 5 points bump in the polls.

BRB, copyrighting ‘McBuggets’

“Black Garlic Lay’s: Bet you’ll only want just one”

I’m perfectly happy to admit I’m a person with unrefined taste. Rose anything just taste like perfume to me, old lady perfume.

Shucks. I wish we could get to a point as a society where the only thing we need to know about another person’s body is that it is none of our business. That covers a LOT of bases and boundaries.

How does she know he isn’t haunting other women?

Marzipan is beautiful, and there’s no such thing as “puppy uglies.” My pals have an old English named Hubie, and he is ... so much dog. Like ... soooo much dog. But he’s super fun in slow-mo.

“His brain is FINE,” insists Dr Nick Riviera Ronny Jackson, “it’s in a jar on my desk, perfectly okay.”

I mean, to each their own, but I could never marry someone who doesn’t respect my boundaries, or dimensional ones.

They’re registered at Bed, Bath and Way Beyond.

“married a fucking ghost in a small”

*flies to Germany*

Just once, I’d like to hear a racist say “You damn well bet I’m racist.” For some reason, I’d find that admirable.

Well, I’m sure Marty is very busy. He’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, after all.

Pictured: A horse’s ass. Also, a painting of a horse

I’m old enough to remember when blue was introduced. It took the place of light brown. It was the year I graduated from highschool and we ate them by the tonne.

Yeah...situations like this my mind goes straight to “home” or criminal minds.