Listen--no one said it was a taut rope, ya ninny.

I broke my off-hand during a pick up basketball game and I didn’t notice until it swelled up to roughly grapefruit size. In the middle of a game it’s almost easy to think, “I’ll shake it off why not?” until it’s not.

I don't see why this is a big deal. I suffer chip fractures all the time with my dominant hand, so I scoop those little bits of tortilla out of the queso with my fingers and eat them anyways because I’m a grown man.

he basically Highlandered the O’s Chris Davis and took all his power

Can we talk about the Wilpons and Madoff? Because, man, describing them as having been “hornswoggled” is a very generous interpretation of the facts. Don’t mean to give you shit, Roth, because it wouldn’t have made sense to relitigate that issue in the middle of an article that ultimately isn’t about Madoff. But it…

That’s nothing - I’ll be working at my job until I’m at LEAST 65. And I don’t even like it! 

I love Vince Carter more than at least one of my three children. And he’s on the heels of my middle kid, who is becoming a brat. 

Here’s the offensive stereotype version:

The Mets only trade for shitty prospects; sorry

Sure, you criticize Sanchez for not hustling, but I’ve seen Aaron Judge just coast around the bases at least 75 times in the last year and a half and no one complains about that.

“And by the end of the year, we’re all going to want to eat Bullets.”

Nice to hear about a Carpenter succeeding with food.

It’s gonna be real sad when he’s out of football for a few years and he forgets why the rocks are on his porch. 

“...in the double-shooting sleeve, late-stage Melo getup”

And I still go to the grocery store to get my shit, mostly because I don’t want someone picking my steak for me. I want full steak control. I also reserve the right to make an impulse pork rinds purchase if I so desire.

Imagine paying to attend an event based on a promised service, waiting in line for hours and then being told the service that was promised wasn’t going to happen.

Imagine being an adult and being mad that you didn’t get an Ezekiel Elliot autograph at a fantasy football convention.

hasn’t been a disaster. Not great enough to justify the salary, of course, but...

I enjoyed his show, greatly respect Mr Rogers and think that the world would be a better place if more people followed his example and died in 2003.

10 year old me thought it was the most MIND BLOWING CLEVER THING EVER to name half your goddamned chapters "Control."