Since he was from NY and then a Met the NY tabloids pop some stories about him more often than they should.

Shut the fuck up, Donny.

He thinks the carpet pissers did this?

Boras suggests the half-measure of getting baseball’s umpires to “oversee regular toweling of bases during wet weather”

Ooh, look at the big shot over here who had arms and legs! La-dee-friggin’-da! We held the bat in our teeth and rolled around the bases!

Look at Mr. Fancy Pants here who grew up with something to use for all four bases! Must have been nice to grow up spoiled...

*Closes laptop thoughtfully, wipes away a tear, considers life for a moment, reopens laptop, types away furiously*

The real punishment should go to the people who planned a SUNDAY wedding, Week 1 Sunday no less.

Not the Antonio Brown come back story I expected.

You have 3 buildings that meet the measurements required to be labeled a skyscraper.  I researched this to make sure of the accuracy, because last time I drove through I thought I saw 4 tall buildings, but only 3 are big boys.  

Every now and then Verlander gets a little bit closer to patching their relationship, but every now and then he falls apart too.

I mean...of anyone in the MLB, Verlander especially has the right to be super protective over who has access to his cell phone information.

After handling a 3 year old all day, your energy for grandstanding about protesting fast food protests is rather diminished.

This is just like my dad and me, only instead of hitting home runs for large sums of money, I’m an emotionally distant borderline alcoholic who can’t communicate a lifetime full of disappointment with a disengaged, functionally absentee parent. So cool!

i love this bad motherfucker. can’t wait for the braves to trade him to the yankees for two AA players and some diarrhea in about nine months.

Design meeting:

“What should the failure mode be for the wave generator?”
“Nothing, it should just die quietly and stop functioning.”
“We could do that. Or.. and hear me out on this one...”

This whole thing feels like an attack on my childhood.

“Dear Salty,