This is your fault Jenny McCarthy.

Hey Cincinnati, rest of Ohio here. Please do us a favor and go and join Kentucky. Thanks.

A human beats a dog in a hot dog eating contest because animals have no concept of time. If the contest is “who can eat more hot dogs” the dog wins, but when the contest is “who can eat more hot dogs in ten minutes,” Mr. Opposable Thumbs over here gets the nod.

Isn’t “made him pitch for the Mets” enough of an answer?

I have the weirdest boner right now.

Damn, they Walked Hard.

Fuck that. I got stacks and stacks of Turner and Hooch money, I’m not going through that shit again.

He should just go Uncle Leo and claim he got lost or something.

Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens, so I can see why there might be some confusion as to its proper designation.

I’ve got a heplock in so you can SHOOT THAT SHIT RIGHT INTO MY VEIN

I hope when they honor the 1986 Mets they put Lenny Dykstra’s mug shot on the Jumbotron whether he’s dead or not.

“The Chicken Roaster”

C’mon, why would you expect him to sign anything round?

Will the Kenny Rogers’ Roasters sign be on? ‘Cause I might go then.

I’ve got tickets to David Byrne’s American Utopia on Broadway in October, so if you could put off the nuclear holocaust until then i’d appreciate it. After that...yeah, go nuts.

Eh, they’re all gonna be “Fuck You I’m Eating” before long anyway.

“Kids today, what with their phones and all. There’s no substitute for the personal touch you get with a real-time, in-person exposure and harassment.”

You should see the other guy.

This guy suffered a severe head trauma. It’s long past time to stop having fun at his expense.

I am giddy beyond belief that Timofey Mozgov has a ring and Carmelo Anthony does not.