My wife was watching Presumed Innocent on TBS one lazy Sunday morning and I walked in and said "his wife killed her." She got all mad and started yelling and I just responded with "EVIL."

Please don't insult Manservant Heccubus by comparing him to this jackass.

Oh man, it comes in a skull? Dan Aykroyd's gonna have to cut a bitch.

And yet no one will enroll in my Battlefield Earth fan film academy.

I'm not enough of a Mack Daddy to be Vincennes, even in an alternate universe. I can do mindless thug though.

In my fantasy life I'm Bud White in 1953 Los Angeles.

Like that's ever stopped anything.

HER FATHER IS THE DISTRICT ATTORNEY CAPTAIN OF THE SUBMARINE!!

A strong EMP blast would force us all to go back to whacking it to old copies of Gent ("The Home Of The D Cups"), as God intended.

How many Goatses for a quarter?

45,000 meningitis vaccines in Africa, if charity is your thing.

If he'll take payment in loosies he could.

Rastafy that porg by 10% or so.

Actually, we punch them every day. We just don't shoot them on Boxing Day.

HERE TAKE MY MONEY

Gather round children, an old man's fixin' to do some remeberin'…I was working that summer for the county, painting the lines on the streets..we worked at night, when it was cooler and there was less traffic…we finished up every morning around 10..I punched out, washed up, met by buddy at Sears…he had already set up…

Every day is Shoot a Kid Day.

I camped out outside a Sears in 1984 for Springsteen tickets. I can't even begin to explain that to people now. Geez, I remember when wristbands were an advancement.

THANKS RAUNER

As I get older, that becomes less of an insult.