LOOK UPON MY COMMENTS, YE MIGHTY, AND DESPAIR

It's a beatiful spring day, with just a hint of fall in the air…the glistening Lake Erie is dotted with pleasure boats enjoying the last few days before school starts up again…I'm in too good a mood. No kids will die today. None by my hand anyway.

If I've been getting down and out about the liars and dirty dirty cheats of the world instead of getting down to this sick beat, am I still disqualified?

I hope he play the world's grouchiest 911 operator.

CHORUS: (stage whisper) "He shot his eye out."

Diamond Joe Biden approves.

David Hasselhoff, we're laughing at you, not with you.

Anchorman.

Well now I can't wait to see the Cannonball Run-esque blooper reel that plays over the end credits of this "looser, more improvised" movie.

For The Jury's Eyes Only

COUNTERPOINT: Speed Racer is a two hour epileptic seizure.

Dammit John Goodman, I just forgave you for Speed Racer.

The Foos love what they do, and there's nothing wrong with just plugging in and ROCKING. I'm tired of sincerity being made fun of rather than celebrated. I like the Foos and I will not apologize for it.

Where's "Man Getting Hit By Football" on that list?

I think it would be much more cost efficient for the Secret Service to set up their non-residential protection headquarters in Branson, MO.

It's not a tumor tour.

Key and Peele? FUCK YOU! Key and Peele do not deserve to smell my shit!

There's a story behind that, which I will tell in an upcoming edition of Reginald VelJohnson's True Hollywood Stories.

I can multitask.

Dammit, I was gonna guess Frank Stallone.