See, I told my wife Ferraris are more reliable than Hondas.

Republicans told Democrats “You can have CHIP or DACA but not both” and instead of saying “That’s fucking stupid, pass both.” Dems said “golly jeepers when you put it that way, fuck Dreamers!” They let Republicans use what should be an easy bipartisan policy as leverage against immigrants.

No! A 3-judge panel determined this election just as much as the drawing today. Recall: The election was close, triggering a recount. The Democrat won the recount by 1 vote. Then the Republicans contested the result, saying a messed up ballot that marked both candidates but also had some other lines on it should have…

Out of all the terrorists in Arkansas, I am willing to bet none of them are Muslim and 100% of them would vote for her.

I took two marijuanas in one night once and woke up three days later in a bathtub full of used needles and surrounded by kneeling football players.

How about America? The capital is Washington, but all the important governing comes out of Wall Street.

I await, with anticipation, our beloved leader reminding us of this fact during every speech and appearance he makes for the first six months of 2018....and at least 6-10 Tweets.

The urinals are going to be shaped like mattresses.

On what? You shouldn’t end a sentence in a preposition, especially when you’re a pedantic asshole.

Pretty sure this isn’t how direct injection works

“It’s funny to hear a long hair talk about routes like that.”

I am awaiting the Twitter shitstorm snit-fit when the Obamas are invited to the wedding and the Trumps are still banned from the UK. It’s gonna be glorious.

Jimmy Butler knows how you feel

Democratic house selects Hillary for the speaker position, before beginning impeachment proceedings against Trump and Pence......

When he decided to sell the car, he should have Cena lawsuit coming.

“If the last few weeks has taught us anything, it’s that we need more women in positions of power, not less,” Nessel says in the above ad as photos of Roy Moore, Charlie Rose, and Donald Trump flash by.

lol do people do this? yo if you’re a non-black person who is comfortable enough with rap cadences to rap along with them, you should be comfortable enough to NEVER rap the n-word, or any similar-sounding substitutes. don’t do it, don’t substitute it. leave a pause where it’s at. it’s fine and easy.

2. Expecting Your Partner to Read Your Mind