HAHA That reminds me of a time my friends and I overheard a guy drunkenly saying his penis hangs 3 inches from the floor and a third party said “Yeah, when you’re laying down on your stomach.” And like half the bar goes “Oooooooooooh!”

Meh - when I back up it’s not like I make certain I’m fully stopped before moving into Drive. I’m not talking about changing directions at high speeds, but I’ve got 170k+ on my Civic transmission without being particularly careful about this. No problems yet [car breaks immediately].

Well, fortunately for me, since mine was medical, I just flushed that sucker down the toilet!

Eileen is the most boring. She has to go.

they should get rid of kyle and vanderpump. so over those two!

The only thing that can stop a bad toddler with a gun is a good toddler with a gun. Arm all toddlers!

He doctors up songs?

Yes, God wanted another little angel <3 <3

There’s so much screaming in my head right now. That poor baby and I fear for their other children. Fuck these fuckers. I hope the other kids are taken away and they go to prison for making that poor child suffer.

My first introduction to Chrissy was an Instagram photo a year or two ago where she said their future child was going to have a huge forehead. I fell in love with her that day.

Fuck that censor bar, I’m calling guilty on the ghosts in the wall, these guys, smirking on our souls eminent demise:

It’s two different pictures, look at the difference in the reflection of the framed picture.

In college I had a friend who worked in the marine science lab. They had a very sneaky octopus who would climb out of his tank at night and steal fish to eat from other tanks. They got him a more secure tank and had it set up, but left him one more night in his old tank while the water temperature was regulating. The…

I thought his name was pronounced Dead Mow Five?? I’m so embarrassed. I’m turning into my mother already.

Hmm? Not sure I could hear it. Do you think he can turn it up for us?

I want to wear this EVERY DAY

Well this is a welcome break from looking at The Orange One Who Shall Not Be Named.

I impulse-bought a box of discounted See’s Candy, leftover from Valentine’s Day, and absent-mindedly set it on my bed when I got home and went about my business. I just looked up and had a moment of self-awareness: I’m sitting on my bed, hunched over my laptop, surrounded by cats and a heart-shaped box of chocolate I…

You guys. 2016 so far. Oof. Should I take up boxing, because it feels like the hits keep on coming. And coming. Mostly to the things I accomplished and was super proud of in 2015. Employment opportunities, boy, health. It’s just...yikes.

specificity what specificity hahaha this is just a general observation