So basically, every 50 times you jerk off onto your carpet, your parents kill your elderly cat.

This reminds me of the Twitter bet I had with J.R. Smith where I won his pipe.

Making things worse for Oden, Kevin Durant was spotted buying his girlfriend flowers even though it's totally not her birthday.

Hoover might be nuts, but he still wouldn't have signed Tony Romo to an extension.

This just goes to show how misguided all of the stereotypes about Alabamans are. Just look at all that effort, the utter determination, all for the once yearly opportunity to watch someone write.

HAHAHAH

HUNTER PENCE GUESSED THE OLD MAN AND THE SEA INSTEAD OF THE GREAT GATSBY IN FINAL JEOPARDY! LAST MONTH

[drops mic]

I'd be sad, too. History, recent or otherwise, hasn't shown Washington to be very hospitable to Indians.

Same face Seth Rogen made in Step Brothers, after Jon Reilly played the butt trumpet during the interview. "onions & ketchup"

Austin Collie used to give similar interviews to the beat writers in Indianapolis, except his stock answer was, "Who am I? Why are you asking me these questions?"

Catcher/Pitcher Baker is also an apprentice candlestick maker.

Vodka Samm is growing up so fast.

Dale Earnhardt, Jr.: [Crashes into wall at 200 mph]

Every time I read your name I imagine thats's how John Travolta would pronounce Dylan McDermott's name.

The other girl still has better help D than James Harden

Bird: Don't get too close guys. I heard you can die from contact.

Bortles wanted to know about his punting.