I’m not going to side-eye the lock too much, and here’s why: After 9/11, people got seriously freaked out about security. Evidently many people at NBC had the locks — Lauer just used it for the shittiest reason.

Anybody feel like taking to Twitter to ask him about it?

We are all, every single one and all of us, hoping for the pee tape. I get you.

Everything you ever needed to know about their relationship, in The New Yorker (of course):

Liz helped make Trump, but in the end she thought he was an asshole, of course rightly so. He owes her an enormous debt, and yet like the shitbag he is, he will say nothing about her.

I’m sorry, but are you saying I must find “my corner” in order to express my beliefs about the ridiculousness of the fairytales compiled in a book? Please, go make some wine out of water and then come talk to me. Meanwhile, I’ll be waiting over here for you to turn me into a pillar of salt. (Biggest eyeroll ever.)

We need Bugs Bunny cutting Alabama out of the South, stat.

Just like all of religion, the fake book of fairytales, aka the Bible, is useful and MUST BE OBEYED only when it’s convenient to that side, not our side.

What sucks beyond belief is how swift the justice has been meted out for these guys — that’s not the part that sucks, that part is great — but that Trump and Roy Moore seem so fucking immune to the same thing. It’s infuriating.

Donald Trump is exactly the type of person who would piss on you and tell you it’s raining. He is a pathological liar. So yeah.

Small but important correction: Tiffany & Co. is NOT in Trump Tower. It never has been. Tiffany & Co. is next door to Trump Tower, which exists where Bonwit Teller, an iconic department store in a beautiful building built in 1929, once stood. Trump ripped down Bonwit Teller and also demolished important design…

Can someone please, please, PLEASE look into and/or explain Parker Adnan? According to Trump’s bio, he owns a 17.2% stake in this company. But it’s a ghost. No website. No address. No nothing, other than it’s based in Bermuda and, according to Trump Org’s own description, it’s a “financial services company.” Come ON,…

Heck no. He’s definitely the best candidate for useful fool. But that’s my point. How come no one is discussing whether the Russians put their thumb on the scale during the GOP primaries?

I’d say all these old white loathsome fuckers who pull shit like this are going to die soon — and yet here comes Donald Jr and Eric right up behind them. And Milo. And those shits in the white polo shirts and khakis in Charlottesville.

And yet, they surely looked at the GOP candidates and had to have pointed to Trump as their most useful fool.

I know. I totally get you. I still think something was fishy about the primaries. Putin may have wanted Trump to get elected, but it seems like he wasn’t going to count on the sheer dumb luck that Trump would be the nominee in a field that at one point numbered 16.

Yes, exactly. With every speech, every debate, it was clear that Hillary could break things down to the most minute detail, and her recall was really impressive, and then here comes Bernie with the same old lines. On paper what he was saying sounded great, and I did all this research about democratic socialism, but my…

Admittedly on the surface, at the beginning, I thought Bernie was the better candidate, and I was hesitant about Hillary only because of all the bullshit that was already out there about her. Around the same time I was looking deeper than that, Bernie just wasn’t cutting it on anything beyond really good soundbites.…

My truths about Hillary vs Bernie:

I am literally the only person in my family who did not vote for Trump, and who from the beginning was trying to convince all whom I love to please, please, PLEASE don’t vote for this stupid racist asshole, HE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOU. And they voted for him anyway. And they’re still on his side.