Having once lived in Boston (well, not IN Boston, but nearby—no, not Somerville) I can assume that since you’re a Bostonian that does not speak like this you have the equally insufferable Brahmin accent, the only virtue of which is that it makes you sound like a talking car from the 80s.

I was thinking the exact same thing—it felt too formally accurate to be something other than satire.

That chili-spiced dried mango is one of the greatest prepared foodstuffs of all time. Its existence alone makes the whole notion of Trader Joes acceptable and even desirable.

I’m now imagining Idris Elba as Superman in an adaptation of Kingdom Come and it’s the only comic book movie I want to see. He would bring the perfect level of gravitas to a Superman that’s just fucking had it with everything. That would be spectacular.

Plus pitchers of beer and arcade games!

This does raise the question of whether the original location still serves the best version of that restaurant’s products. I’ve had Pepe’s on Wooster Street and at Mohegan, and I’d say the OG New Haven place is still the best. But only by a little.

Reading this is like an endurance game. I got to Ross Douthat before I had to stop. Holy shit.

+1 Trotsky lookalike

I am right there with you, and I’m a fan of an arguably sadder team: The Detroit Lions. And yet, I’d rather be a Lions fan—content to never see my team make it to the championship game, even to lose—than become a Patriots fan. I would even have a decent reason to defect/bandwagon, as my dad’s a Patriots fan, and I…

When I was a teenager, I happened to look out the window while the family was eating dinner and saw a fat cop chasing a skinny tweaker (so, not a track star) through our yard. After about five seconds of pursuit, the fat cop got winded, and the tweaker went on—for about another two seconds before he got winded, too.…

+1 limp Indiana State Fair corn dog

+1 buttery crab leg

I prefer Le Derrida’s deconstructed version.

+1 choice of topping

This is like a draft paragraph about a random character from a Paul Auster novel.

Dude, you are nailing the responses in this thread. Your barbarian keeper guy would be very proud.

You missed an excellent opportunity to make that reply rhyme, rap battle style:

Sure, you play it all coy, but one of these days I’m going to get you to look over here and BLAMMO—instant friendship.

As an Xbox One come to life, I take issue with this article. The author, as a human (presumably, although from his description and previous writings I suspect he is rather a Sega Dreamcast who got a chef’s knife for Christmas once) cannot help but tout his organic privilege with every rendered character. Have you…

Well, based on the UN projections and scientist models that I’ve read, it’s not good. Predicted PS4 tray melt, Xbox One dryness, and possible game rationing. Of course you won’t see anyone talking about that at the debates!