Not much a story as the run of the mill “I don’t have proper lobster crackers, surely using the can opener as them willl work the same. They look the same so why not?” suffice to say, theyre not the same.

I know I’m not eligible, but I’ll leave this here for everyone to enjoy as Exhibit A in those fun professional negs:

I wish. I’ve had pretty great luck with men but that guy was a real piece of work. I did tell him his ostrich skin cowboy boots that he’d just paid $800 for were fake. He was Danish but super into Texas culture, so I think that hurt him more than a wangpunch.

“You have beautiful eyes but they are the saddest and most tragic ones I’ve ever seen”

Oh yes, we’d be millionaires if we got a euro for every time someone says that.

“You move a lot better than most cripples I’ve seen with your condition. Good on you for toughin’ it out and not gettin’ a wheelchair. You should be proud of how strong you are.”

The moment I meet my very short, balding blind date, he skips the introductions to say this:

“Girls who have been raped are normally fucking crazy; you actually seem really normal and pretty stable.”

“You know, I usually like really skinny, pretty Barbie doll types, but I really like you. You are so real and low maintenance. I like how you don’t put so much into your appearance. You’re so real.” After I had spent 2 hours getting ready for this date...

a spy who has spent time with the pair

I made a series of Beatles album art, and instead of hanging them properly (see: dont want to repair holes in rented walls) theyre hung on a wire with clips. I like how theyre hung, but regret them not being in glass because somehow my bf got lobster on them....on the wall. Other than that, they havent whithered yet,…

Maybe he should slowly pull off her glasses and take her hair out of its ponytail?

My problem with IPAs is just that they’re displacing other beers too often. The brew pub I like that used to have a nice variety - usually a stout or porter, an ale or two, maybe a lager or pilsner, and maybe one IPA - now will have two IPAs, a double IPA and one other beer. I used to like to get a flight and try a…

YOU SHUT YOUR HEATHEN MOUTH.
(some) IPAS ARE REALLY GOOD.

Wrap your arms around yourself and hug yourself because you’re awesome.

Next up: A test to decide which rapid wolverine has the least decorum.

I think it is incredibly dumb but I still tried it and am still slightly sad that I can’t do it. But less in the “I’m fat” way and more the way I felt in elementary school when everyone else could curl their tongues and my was just flat and boring. Sigh.

I am going to attach #probablyamammal to all my correspondence at home and work today.

Dunno about around the back, but I can touch my belly button from the front. Boop. #notaclone #probablyamammal

Hand Banana, a rapist dog monster genetically engineered from the DNA of a talking milkshake.