Hey, "Hey, [cultural fad], wanna buy [yesterday's useless artifact]?", wanna buy "[year in the far past] called and wants its [highlight feature that was probably in vogue then but is now being passed off as fancy and new] back"?

Look, if you've ever been under the tyrannical reign of a high school marching band director who is just really fed up with your shit, you stupid idiots, and who got into this because he genuinely loved music in college and thought he could pass that joy on but now all you scum-sucking assholes can't even nail your…

I don't know Kerry. We don't go in the same circles. We ain't in the same circles. We ain't in the same circles.

No need to repeat yourself, Steve. We know you're not a Rhodes Scholar.

Jesus, his brother is one of the finest chefs in all of America, his entire family have been in the food biz for generations, and he eats fucking broccoli and chicken EVERY DAY?

“This is my calling. I was born to do this.”

He might be a shitty sports columnist these days, but you can't go after Frank Deford. The guy's still a sports journalism legend.

My mom worked full-time and my dad was a teacher so he was usually the one who made dinner, sorted laundry, yelled at us to do chores and was home with us during the summer, and honestly I never thought twice about it. I think growing up lower middle-class it was just the norm to do whatever the fuck needed to be…

Growing up, my mom was the full-time breadwinner and my dad was the full-time stay-at-home parent and these findings are why I've always side-eyed the whole "there are more stay-at-home dads than EVER!" Because I was always cognizant of being the only person I knew who had a stay-at-home dad, and especially a SAH dad…

As long as the market demands sexualized characters (which it does), they will be produced in some form or another. I think the argument is more that we need to carve out some space for respectful depictions of women and make *that* an existing standard, rather than a rare exception. Maybe I'm a little cynical on…

I would make a motion that henceforth Crazy Old Man Autopilot be referred to by the acronym COMA.

The last time someone mentioned a football score during Yom Kippur, the synagogue torah him a new asshole.

Holy Yogurt: Greatest. Band. Name. Ever.

Women uh... women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandake. But I... I do deny them my essence.

Omg, I want that cross-stitched on a sampler that I can hang in my front hall.

Poor boys. I imagine them like Rocky from Rocky Horror. Wandering around, looking frightened and oily. Maybe we can take up a collection.