Pro-tip: saying "I'm not a troll" and then following it up by saying "I hope you get raped" gives the appearance of hypocrisy. You see, an internet troll is characterized by a tendency to say horrible, provocative things in order to get attention. Nothing at all like what you're doing. Your behavior is clearly…

Yeah, that'd be useful. No, I'm serious. I mean it.

That tv show with that one guy in it?

Kanye West is blind?

See? Would a troll every use language like this?

I don't think you know what words mean.

You see, he was making a joke based on the ambiguity of English pronouns.

My clothes are ripped from my body,

Re: Zombieland, Yes, the cameo is probably the best part of it, but I think the whole movie just works. Like all zombie movies, it plays off of our contemporary fears and desires — in this case, the fear of becoming alienated and isolated. The whole point of the movie is that in a zombie apocalypse, the people who…

My dad died at 48, an age that seems younger every year (heart disease: please check your cholesterol). It sucks so much to lose someone who should have had so much more time. All the love to his loved ones.

Hey, did you know that the first air conditioning system in the US was installed in the White House in 1881 to keep President Garfield cool while he was receiving treatment for the gunshot wound that would ultimately lead to his death (ironically, it was the treatment rather than the gunshot that killed him. If they'd…

These readers are clearly not ready for the Old English riddles of the Exeter Book, like this gem, sometimes called the oldest dick joke in the English language:

I concur, Garden of Beasts is a must. Also on Lost City of Z, Fate of the Republic and avoiding that awful crap Michael Lewis writes about his kids. Terrible. If you can stand a little bit of pretentiousness (it's a fantasy/Magic Realism kind of thing), I recommend Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman. It's a sort of sequel to A…

It's weird, I hate olives, but they must be in my martini. They simply must.

With compound interest, should he be more like a quadrillionaire by now?

Seriously, guys: no one cares about your penis, not even your fake one.

True fact (actual true, verifiable fact and not just one of the insane facts I like to make up): Robert Mitchum was the inspiration for "Triangle Man" in the They Might be Giants song "Particle Man."

Remember ALF? He's back, in cartoon representation as cancer form.

These guys do it all the time (picture mostly SFW, from Cirque du Soleil):

Your column inspired me to get off of my couch and register my disdain for your opinions on the internet (I can never get comments to work on my mobile). You are obviously one of those sad, bamboozled people who have fallen for the Soviet Propaganda that martinis should be made with flavorless alcohol-water and…