My dog was a puppy mill rescue. May god have mercy on the souls of the people that bred her nearly half to death.

Everyone who truly loves me knows that my sole aim in life is to wash a baby elephant.

I'm white (like Super White: I'm from fucking Switzerland; there's no whiter place). To my knowledge, I've never been called racist. This is probably because when I get drunk, I don't start with the racial epithets. It's really hard to prove you're not anything. Just try to do your best?

I didn't know that other people ate Night Cheese. In my house, it usually involves either me or my husband jumping up and exclaiming, "Cheese Snack?" I like Night Cheese better.
Thanks for the reminder, tho. I need to buy some cheddar on the way home.

"Schrödinger's fat."

How about the fact that a person's health, actual or perceived (and no, statistical analysis does not make you an individual fat person's doctor), has zero bearing on whether or not it's okay to be a dick to them?

Everyone knows the only thing to wear when eating your night cheese is a slanket full of your own farts.

I always figure those "black friends" would be surprised to know who's counting them as friends. "No, dude, we're not friends, I just work at the drugstore you go to sometimes."

Oh, I would train there!

I love him. My studio only does measurements and celebrates when they get bigger (except for midsection) because= muscle. I love that. They also track resting pulse, body fat (if you want it), muscle percentages, and attendance.

That's so awesome! And yeah, years vs. pounds is a novel and way better way of thinking about it. Love it.

Best spelling error / typo ever!

A co-worker has this hair. I had to go to an out-of-town thing with him this summer. He had managed to get his hair perfectly queefed by 6:30am. It's a strange dedication, indeed.

This hair? Why? WHY!?

That Bobcat/Buckeye fight is hilarious. The Bobcat is going apeshit on Brutus and he's just like "what in the fuck?" Then the Bobcat gets him in a headlock and starts pounding on his "skull" while the team kneels down around them to pray. Brutus breaks out and is all "What the hell's your problem, asshole?" and the…

That Raptors thing literally had me laughing so hard, tears were streaming down my face. Something about the jaws snapping wildly as the legs were flailing on rollerskates beneath it, then the suit deflating.

Mmmmmmmmmm. Billy Idol.

So are sloths and aardvarks.

I believe Russell Peters said it best:

"I was going to have glorious sex with you but since you are wearing wedge sneakers, I'll refrain," said no man ever.