If I recall correctly, Alexandra Petri gets a lot of shit from the idiotic commenters over at the Post. Maybe this’ll shut ‘em up.

I only ever half see ads for Madam Secretary in the background as I’m reading, but didn’t she straight up punch a head of state a week or three back?

Twenty minutes? Braggart.

As best I can tell, some people hate her because she showed part of her boobs and others hate her because she’s never shown all of them.

Win Sasuke and then move over to ANW. Boom, problem solved.

Watching Busy in the front row reacting to the best picture screw up was the best part of the Oscars. She looked like someone had just started shooting hostages.

You do what you want, but neither Sasuke nor Iron Chef have $1 million dollar prizes or Jessie Graff. And as best I can tell, ANW is harder than Sasuke, though I’ll never know because I wouldn’t even get as far as the octopus guy. I might do as well as the guy who makes the cool models.

The best reality show to win has to be American Ninja Warrior. You get a cool million bucks and are instantly certified as one of the most physically capable people on the planet. To top it off, your opponents are all genuinely supportive instead of trying to screw you over, and you might just get the chance to chat…

It’d take a lot more than a naked dude’s shortcomings to rattle David Niven.

Holy crap, I never thought about anti-chiropracty. Does this mean an evil chiropractor could sneak up behind me and adjust my spine to give me cancer?

“Also, people shouldn’t stand closer than 46 centimeters to the pole.”

I’ll watch Tremors movies until they stop making them, but how exactly does Cape Town South Africa stand in for the Canadian Tundra?

Wait, is that a thing? I thought only our dog Lucy’s paws smelled like Fritos. You mean she’s not unique?

I’m pretty sure Simone Biles has taught herself to hover so she’ll never again look quite as wee as she did standing next to Shaq.

Is there a reason states can’t manufacture their own damned death-drugs? Or that some canny entrepreneur can’t start up a new pharmaceutical company that’s all death-drugs, all the time? This has Martin Shreli written all over it. I thought the free market was supposed to handle this sort of shit.

“Kylie Jenner’s new eye shadow...?”

Okay, but the important question is, was it a new or a used bike? I can’t possibly make sense of your story until you tell me.

If he’s going to ban predominantly Catholic countries, does this mean that Muslims coming in from those countries will get preferential treatment because theirs is a minority belief? That’s how his rules work, right?

Rosebud was his sled.

Well, Tahani raised billions for charity but ended up in The Bad Place, so yes. Motivation does matter. I trust Ted Danson on this and very thing else.