1. He can still wear his old helmet, like 75% of the time. Just not at work. Big deal.

I will pay any amount of money for your leadership seminar.

Most guys who even give fuck about winning will do that before coach even asks.

I was right there with you until you said that the Lord can’t see through football helmets.

Football was only invented as a way to stay in shape for coal mining season.

Catholic high school supply closet?

Isn’t the whole damn thing comedy though? Every character is hilarious.

Backs are getting scratched, but I'm not sure who's getting robbed. 

I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Are you referring to an arbitrarily defined group of 75 million people, or Tympanuchus cupido (aka the Pinnated Grouse, aka the Greater Prairie Chicken, aka...the Boomer)?

Hell yeah! Lets talk some cryogenic sleep, baby!

Call your mom.

The helmet might be both!

Is this going to effect TV ratings for hammer throw and fencing in traditionally red States?!?!?

Is that the plumbing for his dishwasher sticking out under that plywood?

Good call. If this was 1998 he would be on Conan doing just that.

How old do you think he is?

You really know how to suck the fun out of a Fiat getting smashed by a tree at the hands of incompetent municipal workers as retold by a local on a porch.

Well, almost every child in history, if you want to get technical.

What, like maybe he goes on vacations to hunt humans on some island off of Myanmar or something? My God, that is cynical!

Annie: Alright, Bill, what are you doing here today?