it’s from commercial with old granny playing candy crush literally , but Hermione style sounds way better

The only things I’m gonna crush this weekend is the rest of my weed, a bag of pretzels and package of cream cheese, and at least 2 seasons of the Golden Girls while sitting spread eagle in front of my new AC unit that just got delivered.

LMAO, at this point, you would probably have Hillary’s, Chelsea’s, and most of the country’s blessing. Hillary would probably dap you up on the way in like, “I am busy being leader of the free world. Can you handle dat for me, playa?”

Being from Boston, I so have a soft spot for Tyler. But Steven, you might want to just not comment on the whole hand gesture thing and not piss off Disney/Hollywood Studios. My kids wouldn’t know who you were if it were not for that ride. I’m sure within mere seconds it could be turned into “Def Leppard’s Rock and…

I wish I could high-five you or send you a box of wine through the screen for this comment.

It’s a funny name.

I think we need to apply the Ledecky idea to Simone here. No one else competes, they just give her all three medals, say “thanks”, and go home.

Eh, be more subtle: make a sandwich that LOOKS irresistible but is, in fact, composed of incompatible, vomit worthy ingredients. Nothing full of e-coli or salmonella, just something disgusting. Chances are they'll never do it again ;)

Dayum that sounds good.....I’m so sorry for your loss.

Someone stole the last half of the last Asiago Roast Beef sandwich from Panera I WAS EVER ABLE TO GET.

This is the appropriate response.

Bee converted, I mean naturalized.

*Sigh* It boggles my mind that people still think that the ruining of lives starts with the perpetrator facing consequences, rather than when they perpetrated the crime... which should rightfully be considered the point where they ruined their own goddamn life (but who cares about that), and more importantly they…

OK now you’re really trying to depress me. 🙁

It makes me want to cry because you’re not off the mark here. There is at least one asshole out there making these kinds of arguments in real life.

i had roughly 17 snarky responses queued up for that, mostly surrounding the commonwealth, and making america great again under foreign rule, but i think the real reason might be, as both are from abroad, that they see america, and its values, in a very un-jaded, un-entitled and far more ideal way than any of us born…

Hey, they both like us so much they decided to stay forever, so that’s cool, right?

I can believe it. Back when I reported my own rape, the reporting officer asked me no less than 3 times if I was sure if that was what had happened and then when I got down to SVU, the detective that took the next report treated me like I was wasting his time. I felt like a piece of shit and wanted to drop the whole…

Love Samantha Bee so much.

Next time some jackass asks why people don’t report sexual assault to the police I am going to send them this report. Also to anyone who has been sexually assaulted, I believe you.