1. April Ryan needs a raise. I don’t know what they are paying her, but it isn’t enough to put up with this BS.
Read the book - delicious spun sugar fun.
You have no idea how much I hate that I’m here telling you that your plan is brilliant and thank you for caring about your kiddos so much. Also considering carrying a couple lollipops in my purse just in case I need to keep my own kids quiet in an emergency sometime.
I keep a bag of lollipops in the filing cabinet near where they have to be quiet. In the event that it wasn’t a drill or went on for a really long time, everyone is getting something stuck in their mouths. You have no idea how much I hate that I have a plan for that scenario.
I buy that shit at the liquor store I rarely go to because it tastes like magic but I don’t want the snotty guy at my regular wine store judging me.
Embarrassing confession: I went to get some sparkling rose the other day, and instead of rose, I picked up Barefoot Bubbly Peach because it was cheaper and I was in the shitty liquor store and I was fresh out of fucks. You know what? It was goddamn delightful. I could drink that shit ALL DAY.
Coworker: Do you want to create a team for our fantasy football league?
I am a mom, I really like being a mom. It is TOTALLY OKAY for anyone, and you specifically, not to be a mom.
Any PhD student will tell you the proper way is balled up on your couch, straight from the bottle, about ready to have a nervous breakdown.
I don’t remember my mom being friends with the parents of any of my friends, and it didn’t even occur to me that she should be. It’s hard enough to find friends without the added pressure of aligning social circles with your child.
This grown-ass lady made herself a goddamn unicorn dress. And wore it to work.
You know what? You go, Coachella-girls-with-cash-to-burn. Get your weed crown on. This is infinitely better than buying Native American headdresses at Urban Outfitters or Free People or whatever. Have all the weird, non-appropriation fashions you want.
I’m telling you, though, that wedding registries exist for one reason: relatives.
First they came for the CO2 but I was mostly carbon, so I said nothing.....
I feel disappointed and even a little betrayed that this wasn’t a ranking of the flavors of gummi bears (ok, the colors). Here is my ranking:
Vodka gummies. They’re a complete fucking mess, obviously not finger food, and really only function as a flavored vodka-delivery vehicle, but then Yay! Gummy-flavored vodka!
That’s the white pineapple ones for me. Even my 3 year old is trained to know if she is given gummi bears the white ones go to Mom.
1. Weed gummies