I’d tell you what I’d be moving up from the store brand mustard.

I married my husband because he looks like Ewan McGregor’s younger brother. I even get him to talk to me in a Scottish accent when I can’t reach orgasm.

hey man, I pulled the gun on mom jeans, and they are amaze

I am overwhelmed by the amount of makeup products that exist on earth.

Jezebel has become very meaningful to me, so all my love and support to the writers striking. This is the only place I can stomach reading politics now, and the commenters here are gold. Life would be shit without the women writers of Jezebel. ❤🌸

I live in an incredibly liberal city—our women’s march was huge and was incredible to be a part of. But for some reason I’ve heard no conversation in my communities about tomorrow—mission statements, planned marches, etc. I’m concerned that this effort will fall short of its promise of “A day without a woman”... it’ll…

Hey Bobby, where do watermelons go in the summer? Answer: John Cougar’s Meloncamp. Carry on.

I am totally here for this cast!

My heart still holds out for a Happy Endings revival, gone way too soon.

I need to go re-watch Happy Endings. That show has some of the best one-liners. I lurve Casey. I listen to Bitch Sesh religiously.

What about dressing your two dogs in elf PJs while you wear Santa PJs? Asking for a friend.

Here just to say Penn Badgley and Domino Kirke apparently had their wedding reception at the same Brooklyn restaurant I had mine at. This is entirely useless information but my husband doesn’t recognize either name so when I blurted it to him just now I got a blank stare instead. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Having spent 7 years working in a steakhouse, I can attest that there are exactly two kinds of adults who eat steak like this:

if you think giving a woman head involves “sticking your tongue in a hole” then you are not speaking truth, bro.

I guess I’m the luckiest bitch on earth cause my husbeast is ALWAYS wanting to eat pussy- sometimes I’m like nah I don’t feel clean enough and he pouts.

“Well, where’s the last place you *remember* having the remote?”

“Did you start ‘Luke Cage’ without me?!?”

“Can you pick up milk on the way home? We’re running low”

I 100% feel this way about Boyhood. Oh wow, you made a movie about the coming of age of a white male? How novel!

BUT IT TOOK A BILLION YEARS TO MAKE.

I do not care. It still put me to sleep.

Please do not assume that I haven’t seen Dial M for Murder. I even saw a restored 3D print once (what a treat). The problem with using it in this post instead of A Perfect Murder is that Ray Milland never says, “THAT’S NOT HAPPINESS TO SEE ME, IS IT.”