I’m always impressed when I fart in bed and manage to make the bedsprings shake.

I never have that much bourbon, and if I did, I’d be dead (or nominated to the Supreme Court, whichever comes first.)

I immediately decimate all beer in a three-county vicinity, so I buy just enough that I can get drunk and still hoof it to the store, then just add on top of that.

plus the bacon grease just splatters on my grill or the patio instead of my stove.

I’ve only worn pajama pants out of the house maybe two or three times, but I remember going on a last-second beer run awhile back, and since it was getting close to the cut-off (2 AM), I skipped the shoes and wore my vintage dog slippers to the gas station, too.

If I don’t have anywhere I need to go, I put my flannel pajama-pants on Friday night and don’t take those fuckers off ‘til Monday morning.

A few years back my neighbor gave me an adult onesie as a present. I was thinking, “...nah....right?” That fucker was comfortable.

Seriously...

I moved into an apartment with no shower (eek!) about a year and a half-ago; I was delighted to find out my handheld shower-thingy (push-button) actually threaded right onto my faucet.  Works great.

It’s all fun and games until you realize the drain’s clogged, and now your standing ankle-deep in hot toilet water; now you get to walk all over your bathmats with piss-soaked clunkers so you can scrape enough of the crap out to let it drain.

I just leave my showerhead pointed slightly towards the backsplash, enough that it doesn’t spray all over the floor when I get in.  Of course, if you share a bathroom with a woman, she goes the other way and puts the head on FIRE-HOSE and points it directly at the bathroom floor.

And why do you have to explicitly state at Wendy’s that you don’t want mayo on your cheeseburger?

The spicy is where it’s at...Wendy’s spicy chicken sandwich absolutely dominates all other fast-food chicken sandwiches. The regular fried-chicken sandwich is mediocre, and the grilled was pretty decent back-in-the-day, but the spicy chicken is the GOAT.

I worked at Wendy’s for 3 years about 10 years ago, and I can say that this is absolutely incorrect.  If your store was freezing it’s beef, your manager was an idiot; which, to be fair, most fast-food managers are.

The wait for food depends entirely on location...if you really want to get technical, at least Wendy’s isn’t likely to get your order wrong; McDonald’s? Out of the last 10 times I’ve eaten there, I’ve had to send 9 orders back for being insanely wrong. One time I was on the way to a movie (Evil Dead reboot, out of…

Roseanne underwent gender reassignment surgery? I’m sure that would go over well on Twitter.

What I don’t get are the “digital coupons.”  If you’re offering me the deal in the first place, why do I have to go dig through a bunch of random offers and click “Add to My Card” before I can use it?  They’re just adding a bunch of pointless steps.  It’s already connected to my account, just let me use the damn thing!

WTH?  Why am I in the gray again?

Honestly?  I thought it was jizz...which, looking back, actually seems more plausible.

Ageusia had to be there.