Long story to preface this one.

I don’t really know if this is worthy, but I have chronic back pain and arthritis eating my spine. Not pretty, whatever.

“I’m so very sorry, but when we were stitching you up Dr. WTF sewed his finger to your labia. It didn’t worsen the tear, but fluids mixed and we do need to do an HIV test. After we re-sew.”

I’ll spare you the gorier details but I had a very traumatic delivery when my son was born which necessitated a pretty drastic episiotomy: I dealt with it all surprisingly well — despite the absence of any anesthetic — but what really brought me undone was when the obstetrician (who was not my own) looked between my…

my obgyn once delivered a baby that was HOLDING ONTO THE IUD THAT TRIED TO THWART IT.

I don’t know if it’s gross or inappropriate or just fucking rude, but my ob/gyn when I was pregnant with my second child told me to stop being such a baby and quit whining when I came into his office with a blue, swollen arm. I had a PICC line with a heparin pump because I have two clotting diseases and May-Thurner…

The grossest thing I’ve had a doctor say to me was when I was 17 years old and getting my mandatory physical to go into Navy ROTC. “Oh, you’re still a virgin. I don’t see many of those.” He then proceeded to jam the speculum up me so hard I literally tried to squirm off the table as he yelled at me to lie still. I…

My fancy ob/gyn was away while I was giving birth and, though her locum looked on until I finished giving birth (with much tearing), he hightailed it out of the birthing room as soon as he could.

Okay so it’s not really “gross” and I probably told this story before, but it’s still hilarious to me.

Not too gross but it changed me forever. Was in high school and doc needed a urine sample so I gave her one. She was like “Um. You really, really, need to drink more water.” It has stayed with me for years. The shame I felt about my dark yellow (orange?) pee instilled a love for water like the world has never seen.…

“I’m blocking you because I have good boundaries and I respect myself.”

Back when we both lived in Asheville, I shared a gyno with Ms. MacDowell and for TWO YEARS IN A ROW I had the appointment right after her. It’s the closest I’ll ever come to having sex with a celebrity.

Man I wish I had something better than this.

I think that’s how Mike Pence became his running mate.

My two best friends and I were prepping for senior prom and one of us made the offhand comment that she *loved* Hardee’s spicy chicken sandwiches the best. This ensued into a weird girl-competition on who loved them more. Finally we moved on to a new topic and discovered that each of us were planning to wear tiaras to…

I mean, it’s VERY important that pissing contest is up and running, because I have been looking forward to this year’s spooky stories since last November, and I will honestly burn something down if they don’t do it again this year. It’s tradition now.

My best friend and I were in the parking lot of a church (we attended his great-uncle’s funeral) when he dared me to sneeze on his deceased’s face. My friend absolutely loathed his uncle, and for good reason. But he’d promised to briefly attend the service and not make a scene, so he wanted one last posthumous dig…

I have done many things (either on a dare or out of necessity) but I have never shit anywhere I should probably not have.

I was a rebellious young thing who loathed being subjected to gender norms. So despite being forced to dress in garish overly feminine dresses and matching patent leather shoes, I would run amok with my (predominately male) friends causing all sorts of mayhem.

I made nothing but “Hamilton” references during a board meeting. For two hours, I was only allowed to speak lines from Hamilton.