It's amazing how all of the sports figures who have been accused of child molestation totally look like child molesters.

Kim Jong-Il LOVED movies so much that he once arranged for the kidnapping of a South Korean director and his actress wife and forced them to make films for him. So, bit of advice for the members of the U.S. Pro-Ball Asia Tour: Get yourself on the first flight back to America.

It's like I'm always telling my kids: There is nothing more hilarious than reckless gunplay with illegal weapons.

For me, the worst part of being a parent is realizing, on a daily basis, what a horrible little shit I must have been to my parents. The second-worst part is then remembering I lived with my parents until I went off to college and that my daughters are now only three-years old and six-months old.…

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And with his work on earth finally complete, Bob Costas simply evaporated.

Well, that's easily the most I've ever read about women's professional soccer. If promoting women's professional soccer were a game, the score would be Borislow 1, WPS 0.

I would like to think I feel this way because Revis and the Jets got their comeuppance (which they'll ultimately blame on jet lag). But, in reality, I think I have Tebow fever. What the fuck!?! Does this mean I have to start protesting outside my local Planned Parenthood, because that's actually been a great place to…

This is a pregame song that makes me want to run through a goddamn brick wall.

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"Looking back, I guess it was a little silly to think turning a blind eye to the fact that Jerry was raping little boys would be enough to, you know, get him to stop raping little boys. It's also obvious now that Verbal Kint was, in fact, Keyser Soze. Hindsight, it's a bitch, AMIRITE!?!"

For Joe Paterno, disaster was in the locker room shower terrorizing teenage boys.

To which Paterno, in a stunning moment of lucidity, replied:

Terrell Suggs' teeth are kind of fucked up, right? Or is it his gums that are fucked up? Does he have normal-sized teeth and really big gums, or are his gums normal and his teeth the size of an Altoids mini? Whatever it is, it accounts for about 87% of my hatred for him.

What's more surprising: The fact that Mark Sanchez spent the BYE week at a high school, or that the sun continues to orbit the earth?

And by "apologize" they, of course, mean "give BiBi Jones' cell phone number."

Half an hour later at the debrief session everyone agreed that the launch of Occupy Tuscaloosa could not have got off to a worse start.

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Um, yeah. Casey Kasem didn't provide the voice for Scooby-Doo, but he is a vegan so I am sure he appreciates your effort to make him look like less of Nancy.