“Disgraceful. Act like you’ve been a millionaire before.”
- Stereotypical white dude sports columnist

This photo totally captures Trump’s resolute focus. The fact that he is focused on gold-plating every piece of furniture in that office is really beside the point.

“All your candidate are belong to us.” - Dystopian Vision of the Future That’s About to Become Real 

C’mon, man. Monday nights are for whiskey. They are definitely NOT for drafting and disseminating measured, coherent public statements.

1. Watch Total Recall.

Fun times in Cleveland today! They’re totally partying in BOTH of their buildings!

Dr. King’s dream of a world where people are not judged by the color of their skin, but by their total number of Instagram followers: ✅ FULFILLED!!!

Immediately after the game I went down to the local high school football field to see if I could make a 27-yard field goal. Was pretty certain that I could. Turns out I could not. Obviously was not drunk enough.

“Well, the sun’s out. So now we’re probably going to get skin cancer today, too.” - All Vikings fans.

Can’t blame Marshawn here. Sometimes, when it’s really cold outside, I call in sick to work, too.

Surprising. I guess I just assumed Jack Sock was kinda crusty.

You guys, it’s obvious that Rey is Luke and Leia’s daughter. Think about it...she’s, like, twice as powerful as Kylo Ren, right? That’s because she’s pure-bred Force. Kylo has Solo blood. He’s a Force half-breed. Luke and Leia didn’t know they were brother and sister until the second act of Return of the Jedi. They…

Painful loss for the Hawkeyes. But not as painful as losing a loved one to gun violence. And that’s why Iowa Senator Joni Ernst says she broke with her party and voted to prevent gun sales to...oh. Wait. Never mind. We’re just going to pretend all of this isn’t happening, is that it? Alright. Got it.

Thank you! That was some bullshit.

Excellent news! I hope this means LeBron will be making a cameo in PBMC III (that’s Paul Blart Mall Cop 3 for the noobs).

Fucking, Patty.