No good J.J., no one's going to take these tweets seriously. Time for Plan B.

PITCHFORK

You're with me, feathered.

I'm guessing that Berman failed to go all the way on prom night.

You can't trust this doctor. Generally Hackensack is for stoners and Phish fans.

No.

Moments after this picture was taken, a tiny man dressed as a mountain-climber trekked across the 5 men as this song played

It's too bad Terri Schiavo got cut in spring training.

See, Ohio State STILL can't beat anybody in the Sugar.

Yeah, but what if the lady is a casting agent for Puppetry of the Penis?

One time when I was about 13 my mom made me go to Christmas Eve church even though I felt really sick. She thought I was lying, and I don't blame her; chances are I was. But unfortunately I wasn't. Fast forward to church, I end up having to make a mad dash down the aisle to head to the bathroom, only I don't even…

it's unlikely that Robert Griffin III will see any game action

This story has "Comeback" written all over it.

this is the worst wardrobe malfunction since Chyna's penis flopped out during a suplex.

If so it's only because he genuinely thinks "humble" is just a flavor of pie.

Bullshit, CNN. Not even royal newborns can pronounce anything, even one syllable words.

You probably hate puppies, sunny days in the park, and free beer.

The general lack of interest in badminton means that even something out of the ordinary like this will only cause a small racket.

Wow, that's scary, just imagine if that had spilled into the stands and the fan got injured!!

"I told you assholes to leave my lunch alone!"