I’m trying to picture that purple ghastliness, but my mind just won’t go there. Probably for the best.

Right??? The last thing one needs to do is break up one’s mouth visually with lines running crosswise. Ombré lips are another story, obviously (and one I wish I were daring enough to try).

Soooo... “lip contouring” = basically, old-school (think 1990s) too-dark pencil drawn outside the lines, with a flat nude lip, plus a few fake lip wrinkles drawn in just to convey a vague impression of pillowy puffs? How the hell does one touch that up throughout the day?

Honestly? I pined after the motherfucker and wished we were still together.

Your mom is so full of win. As is your punchline.

Oddly, she also said, in response to a question about her marital status, “One need not be married in order to have status.” So, there’s that.

Whatever it is, that looks painful.

Ugh.

Le SIGH. I have thick, curly, frizz-prone clavicut-length hair. Need I say that Haim Hair ain't happenin' here?

Oh my stars. I think I recognized that background music from the old 20-Minute Workout show.

Dear gods, yes. Dr. Jart BBs are aMAZing and worth every cent. Mascara, on the other hand, is something you need to replace often, so might as well just find a cheapie that does what you need it to.

I used to use Nivea cream (the German-made one, not the Mexican-made) for that. It's nice and oily. Marcelle eye makeup remover is good, too — has a dual-phase formula, so you can see how much oil is in it. And it's not hard on the eyes and reasonably priced, too.

It's all right, but I can get two or three perfectly good Maybelline ones that work as well or better for the price of that one. The wand is more impressive than the goop, for sure.

Valerie Bertinelli is lovely and awesome. Who the hell is Eric Stonestreet?

Never mind all that, what about that microphone in her hand? It looks exactly like a dildo.

Yeah, really. Lay off the cat hate, you shits, cats are better people than you'll ever be.

Be proud. Be VERY proud. You kicked so much VERY deserving ass.

Now THERE is a dick that needs to dry up and fall off. Seriously. Not from anything he could pass on to those girls (!), but just spontaneously wither away and die so he can never use it on anyone else again.

Oh wow, that is so horrid...except for the last paragraph, which reminded me of a Dear Abby column I once cut out and saved. A woman who'd been cheated wrote to Abby, and Abby's response was to share a Chinese parable:

I am filing that Tiger Balm bit for future reference. Just so you know.