I.... New Orleans? But.... I mean.... Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggg.

Me either. I honestly can’t think of one Scarlett Johanssen movie. Oh, IMDB says “Ghost World.” But Thora Birch was the stand out of that one for me. SJ is just one of those “Oh yeah, her, I guess” actresses for me.

Yes! And also, I’ve never been much impressed with her acting. She seems very...cardboard. Am I missing some key movie wherein she delivers like whoa?

Oh, I’m not the MOH. (I know, right?) I’m just artsy and creative so she wanted me to do it. And she wants a breakaway (multiple mini bouquets in one) with fortunes or trinkets in each one. She’ll probably recognise the little jewelry bits I reuse from my own “I don’t like it anymore” stuff, but whatever.

It really isn’t but I’m not interested in being the villain of her wedding. I’ll play nice and accumulate karma. And then— OUT.

Girl, come over to my house. I’ll make us pancakes because pancake mix is the only food I really have in the house right now due to my friend’s wedding doing the same thing to me. The MOH in her wedding has already decided that she’ll smile through the event and then the relationship is over. I’m less vehement than…

This. All of this.

I remember getting some cash and a few gifts. My parents bought me some inexpensive luggage because I needed it to move to college. I also remember being completely floored when people sent gifts because it didn’t make much sense to me. But I still have the Swiss Army knife with my name on it, which was the coolest…

Stamps for their thank you cards and a well-timed raised eyebrow.

I’d like to buy you a drink.

Fuck yeah!

Sternocliedomastoid is my favourite muscle because it’s so fun to say. :-)

I wish I could give you more stars.

My first passport photo in college, the photographer told me to “turtle-chin,” which is basically what this video is telling you to do. You’re essentially elongating your chin, kinda jutting it out a bit and adjusting your forehead, so that light and shadow are more complementary to your facial features. It feels…

Ahh, I probably would then. I get emails now and again that someone opened an account with another email I own. I also get arranged marriage website memberships to that email as well for the same person. Same email, different person—I get his vet reminders, sometimes his flight details, his Rosetta Stone updates. …

Having a roommate would save me some money, sure. But eventually, all that savings would have to go towards posting bail because I cannot fucking stand living with other people and would do very bad things.

I don’t even know how I’d know if it was hacked. I assume someone (a friend of mine or something) would let me know that my account was posting shite. I don’t know. Don’t care. Happy to be rid of all that noise. That’s all it was. Noise.

Ahh, a perfect example of why I nuked my facebook account the day after the election and haven’t looked back. Thanks for the reminder that I did the right thing. I don’t miss the noise at all.

And a laptop on a plane, even.