Damn, I miss my mom. Doesn’t matter how old you get- in every man there is a little boy that needs his mother.

Eagles fans would boo extinguishing the fires from a turned-over school bus

Eagles fans would boo people who voted for an initiative to give war widows discounted bus fares.  

Trevor Noah once joked that Oregon’s minority population is dictated by whether the Blazers are home or away. It’s pretty much true. Though we do have a pretty strong Asian population in Portland.

Chik-Fil-A one hundred times more overrated over Shake Shack. It’s a fucking FRIED CHICKEN CUTLET.

They’re the kind of people who think solar panels degrade the sun

Putting clothespins on power cords to save money by keeping electricity from escaping as waste is one of the stupidest fucking things I’ve ever heard. If people who believe this have kids that go to your kid’s school, you need to find your kid a new school.

“Nothing can be done,” says only country where this regularly happens.

My wife’s pregnant friend and her two little girls were just murdered last week by the husband/father. I guess that’s what happens when you let white guys from North Carolina into your country.

What a hypocrite. He’s been stretching that shirt out for YEARS. 

A steady diet of Dr Seuss and Edward Gorey in my younger years, followed by acid and other such chemicals in my teen years, ended with lots of books and kitties.

Waiter: Would you like some pepper, Mr. West?

Gone too soon . . .

Remember when Musk was going to help Flint get clean water? And then couldn't turn it into self promotion and never talked about it again?

Finally, they’ve made a visual representation of what having a Charlie-horse feels like. 

You have to commit fraud on a scale large enough to crash the entire economy to avoid prosecution.  She went too small.  

That was the emailest email of the week I’ve ever read in the Funbag!, and I’ve been here for years.

Soooo we’re all in agreeance the husband was definitely in there jerking off and not taking a dump, right?

What I can’t figure out is at the end when she says she moved out by Christmas, did she leave the husband by Christmas or did she and her husband move together? I hope she left him, that guy sounds awful.

There needs to be an “Epic Husband Meltdown Stories” column after that.