I will now spend the rest of my day wresting with the very important question of which emoji replacement is better: eggplant or middle finger. On the one hand, giving a middle finger as a response to any tweet I want is the easy choice... but on the other hand, there’s something about “I eggplant this tweet” that just…

We can hope that more research will result in the means to combat this unfortunate trend.

Starred because this fellow English major is laughing.

I blame the rising popularity of George R.R. Martin. When large numbers of white people start dying, he's probably to blame.

Just turned 45. Is my advanced degree going to save me?!?

Seriously. That guy looked straight at a bullet, and the bullet turned around and ran away.

E: Megyn Kelly’s Wherever

“She was inside the hospital in a climate-controlled area with access to her cellphone, access to the Internet and takeout food from the best restaurants in Newark”

I was feeling sad that Paul Ryan was going to become Speaker and tidy things up. I am really enjoying this shit show. I’m so glad it will be continuing.

I’m pretty sure Paul Ryan would love to bow out of the Speaker race if he can make sure only the Freedom Caucus got blamed. The only reason he’s even considering it is because if he didn’t run, other Republicans would all get butthurt about how he’s not taking one for the team and maybe not be as supportive of his…

Christ. No wonder Boehner was so visibly happy to be quitting this circus.

Well, *these assholes.*

I would totally vote for The Onion’s version of Joe Biden.

“Trap Queen”

No one deserves a quiet retirement full of hot tea and books and grandchildren more than Joe Biden.

Paul Ryan’s entire life is an example of “for me, but not thee.”

Who is he kidding, kids at that age do not want to hang out with their parents.

I’m sorry, should they be expected to mix with the plebes?

Counter-question: are those different bands

State Institution for Male Defective Delinquents