How the hell has Subway not cleaned every store of every Jared image already? Like even if it was just sending out a big sticker of a meatball and telling employees to stick it over the face of every “Jared” they see?

Part of my brain is horribly depressed by the judges and the other part is just fucking ecstatic that there are young girls out there thinking this way. Rock on, girls! In all the ways.

Holy shit. That response was spot on, professional, strong. Those girls kick ass.

My mother is 50-something and still insists on referring to a vagina as a “cookie jar”. She almost had a coronary when she took my daughter to the doctor and the doctor used another euphamism (“suzy”) to refer to my daughter’s vagina and LilBallofStress looked at her like she was an absolute idiot and informed her…

Starred for use of “lemon-sucking troglodyte.”

That book is simply phenomenal. I don’t even care that this lemon-sucking troglodyte is having a hissy fit about it. I’m just delighted to hear that it’s being taught in schools. It’s exactly what you want kids to be exposed to in formative years: ferocious, unflinching, compassionate and demanding of whip-smart…

Never Forget:

This person needs to go on this vacation

When I was in college I spent a semester in Europe. My mother was telling our neighbors about my trip, and told them that I had visited Germany and went to the concentration camp in Dachau. The neighbor lady (a grown-ass woman) asked: “They do tours there? Don’t the prisoners care that people are coming just to look…

Coincidentally, someone left the exact same note on the back of a bar napkin by the endzone of Soldier Field.

“Fortunately, we had a pretty good relationship with the local cops (again, this was Canada, not America, so all the young cops had Women’s Studies degrees and wanted to help poor people and shit). “

The Man and His Daughter Walk Away, Hopefully Forever

Back when I was a kid we knew a family like that. The mother was just insane and convinced that her husband and kids had various allergies and sicknesses. I have no idea how much was true and how much was BS, but after a while it was plain that she used her freak outs over food and illness to control the family. It…

I had went out to lunch at the mall with my mom, I had to have been in my early 20’s. We stopped in the food court to ear and as usual mom took out her top plate of dentures. She used to say she couldn’t eat with them in, so she would oh so smoothly use a tissue and pop out the teeth.

When I was going to be a freshman in college my mom randomly told the Best Buy sales associate (male, naturally) we were buying a computer from that I would be starting college as a virgin. “How often do you see that?” she asked. Probably never mom, or more specifically...no one else in the history of ever has thought…

ORANGE CATS ARE THE BEST CATS!

I always felt bad for finding him kinda creepy-looking. I thought, He seems like a perfectly nice guy. Why is he so off-putting to me? This is totally unfair.

That does not surprise me. I once stepped on a baby at a bar. The kid was seriously sitting on the nasty ass floor in front of the bathroom. Why would I be looking down? I’m never expecting a baby on the floor at a bar.

This entitled housewife looks back at her impressionable child and calmly says “She is yelling because that girl deserves it, the service is terrible every time we come here.” And then she looked me straight in the eyes.