Concrete, depending on the blend, weighs around 120 pounds per cubic foot. The volume of the average male brain is around 1400 cubic centimeters.

I’m not worried. The pumpkin futures I’m invested in are soaring. I’m expecting them to peak right around January and that’s when I’ll cash them in for the big bucks.

He should resign immediately.

This passes the Newt test, and is correct.

But 9/11

Uh, yeah, you’re not going to be able to book very many high-profile concerts if the venue has to be empty by 10 pm. Why did they ever agree to that? That’s the problem here.

Which would you really rather have when you grow up?

I frequently have to explain to older people that I flatly refuse to have kids because of this. Our economy is screwed, the wealth gap is growing exponentially, and the environment is very likely doomed for long term support of human life. We’re likely to see massive food shortages, fuel shortages, and technology…

How can you say such a thing? Are you even faintly aware of his past? Let me educate you:

You know how they name diseases after famous people that had them? (ALS is “Lou Gehrig’s disease.” I’m pretty sure AIDS is named after Tom AIDS, the guy who had sex with that monkey.)

Having never been touched like that by a woman before, it was all he could do to prematurely eject her.

I am an attorney. A bad one, but that is besides the point. I believe there a clause that any guarantees can be voided for “conduct detrimental to the team.” I would say committing a potential felony against the head coach and calling the GM “cracker” in front of the team meets that standard. But what do I know. 

We all know how this is going to end: Raiders trade Brown to the Patriots for, like, a 2023 6th rounder, then he proceeds to catch 130 passes from Brady this season for 2,500 yards and 30 TDs as they break offensive records on their way to another Super Bowl.

I still cannot buy him as an action hero of any kind.

“What about living without the assault weapons that are killing our children?” co-host Sunny Hostin asked McCain.

I’m not living without guns, it’s just that simple.

you are describing our entire government at this point

You just know that if/when Trump farts during something like a cabinet meeting, he immediately stops the meeting so he can accuse someone else of dealing it.