Dude, you need to stay in more. 

I’ve transitioned from really enjoying NFL Sundays to really enjoying college football Saturdays. Good games and great matchups are on for, like, 15 straight hours.

“I meant my apology and you’re welcome”???

All these ads have done is made me want a Guinness. 

So when you’re at a urinal, you unzip your pants, pull the top of your boxers down through the fly of your pants, and piss with the stretch elastic of your boxers held in defiance of gravity as it threatens to redirect piss into your eye should your grip of it slack? Or do you just not use urinals?

Every damn key you suggested I used within the last hour. Guarantee you that the code running this website has plenty of brackets ‘[’, braces ‘{’, pipes ‘|’ and tildes ‘~’.

watch a lot of kids pee, do ya?

Jesus. With hobbies like this, I bet this guy is an extra virgin.

It’s mesmerizing. It’s perfect.

I worked there for three years in Florida. Yeah we catered to kids. We all had “tricks” lol, that we could do. I for one could juggle. This other chick could hula hoop and get on a chair and then stools without loosing the hula or her balance. We were in a plaza with a movie theater so we would get tons of kids, like…

Something about breakfast food is always hilarious - “twat waffle” is a great insult.

Y’all takin these Old Town Road videos too far.

I love swearing. A properly placed “fuck this fucking fuck” is so satisfying as an emotional release, I say it regularly as a way to avoid therapy.

I will admit though that there is something so heinously hilarious about non-expletive insults when you’re insulting another person, that sometimes it’s the superior move…

Shrimp and grits. (Which I think of as being more common than “fish and grits”, while also having an extra internal rhyme with “all that pimp shit”, but I guess OutKast are the professionals, so what do I know?)

Wrong, fucko.  Salmon is bad and isn’t a part of a balanced breakfast!

I’m a world-renowned problem solver and this one is easy.

Bless your heart.

Dear Penthouse,

Unfortunately, it’s immediate aftermath where she becomes a drug addicted stripper in vegas and has weird pool sex with Paul Atreides is not covered.

Sorry, there's only two kinds of wine flavors: Franzia chillable red, and then Franzia chillable red when I put vodka in it.