The above joke was told to me by President Obama. I'm close personal friends with President Barack Obama, and he told me that joke. "Put this on Deadspin," he said to me. "You're an approved commenter, I don't want this buried down in the pending comments. This is a good joke. No, I can't post it myself, you idiot,…

More like Don Bear-y.

I was sobbing in a rented yacht bathroom earlier.

Look at all you snarky bastards. It's obviously that she has whatever Bob Costas has, and is trying to self-diagnose.

Justin Bieber: [Laces up skates]

He's a douche even when he's playing hockey. How about helping out on the backcheck you cherrypicking little prick!?

Dude. Homeless people are a problem too but you don't see me giving them Popov vodka laced with Chinese dog food. Not that I don't do it, you just don't see me doing it.

It's a fitting mask, as Team USA views Jimmy Howard the same way environmentalists view the bald eagle. In an ideal world, they remain perched on the pine rather than in the cage.

Broncos fans, on the other hand, seemed to walk right out in front of cars after the game.

Only if he was driving their bus.

That's his O face.

+1 for using the picture of him while he was going through his "getting shot in the chest" phase.

The Maple Leafs' planned response next game:

To be fair, drunk drag racing will probably turn you into a wrecking ball.

Not even the save of the month.

Cubs Intern: Ummm Mr. Green, I think there is something you need to see.

Usually when a ref screws up a call that bad it’s Triplette’s.

Like graduate.