I prefer my chocolate without the thought of e-coli and what appears to be a small hemorrhoid.

Why can’t men accept impotence as what it so very clearly is? God’s will for them.

Yes, when I see guys wearing tshirts with his face on them, it’s almost as good of a repellent as a Fedora

Fuck Bill Murray.

As a person with a Jamaican husband... This dick exists.

In basements across America, men in fedoras are crying.

I would throw in some random message. It would be “BK wishes to thank her family, her friends, her lord and master who will receive his goat sacrifice in due time, her agent, everyone in the cast and crew...”

I’ve seen dead, bloated deer on the side of the road that have more charisma in one hoof than Jeb Bush does in his entire body.

I had to sit through a lot of high school basketball halftimes in the years after Grease. Always smiled at the pom-pom crews that did NOT edit out “my car is hot shit / I’ll be getting lots of tit / in Greased Lightning.”

I hate Mario Lopez so much.

I’d like to tell y’all a little story entitled, “The Day My Cat Shit Outside the Litter Box and Roomba Ran Through It and Tracked It All Over the Goddamn House.” It’s a cautionary tale. I’m still working on the title.

I’d like to tell y’all a little story entitled, “The Day My Cat Shit Outside the Litter Box and Roomba Ran Through…

Throw it away rather than feed it to a hungry kid - oh, wait - a mooching entitled drain on society! Murika! Fuck us all.

Highlight of my morning.

Oh man, I had such a good one last night. One of my in-laws, who is otherwise lovely, but a Fox News nut, shared this album of pics of GW Bush greeting troops with the caption “how come we haven’t seen this in the last seven years?” I replied with a link to google images of Presdient Obama greeting troops and “Maybe…

My son had a friend who wasn’t allowed to watch the films because “evil spirits could escape from the TV and only our Lord Jesus Christ can get rid of them.”

How many BJs do you get with a one year membership?

How many BJs do you get with a one year membership?

Hello, Hello, anyone there?