That was Melania? I thought it was Eva Braun.

Now that Trump finally solved the Birther mystery, he can dedicate himself to finally finding out what happened to 2Pac and Biggie.

Americans play Brits all the time. I guess this is how they're getting revenge.

Whatever, Nicole Kidman.

Really? You're just now figuring this out? Sheesh, I could have told you this a long time ago. Why didn't you ask?!

Holy shit. I didn't know this was being made. Why the fuck would they let a first time director tackle American Pastoral? Even if it is a name like Ewan McGregor. I like Ewan McGregor. But there was no way this was going to turn out well.

Room for a comrade? I won't disturb. I'll sit in the corner. And take notes.

Milk is too spicy for Mitt Romney.

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! FUCK POLENTA! POLENTA'S FOR SUCKERS!!!"

I think America needs some good news to cheer ourselves up. I just read that toddlers have shot at least 50 people in America so far this year. America's children are the best shots in the world! Bring it on, Chinussiaexico!

That's why my band only uses drum machines. They don't complain about Rock and Roll Hall of Fame snubs. Also, they're more accurate.

Note to self, have name legally changed to "Third Term for Obama."
-Donald Trump

**MC Paul Barman angrily kicks can, wondering how he got left out of this**

But I'm not wearing pants.

When I was in High School we had this talent show and each act got five minutes. So me and three other friends dressed like the Ramones (I was Dee Dee) and got on stage and argued for about four minutes and fifty-eight seconds. I then counted out One-Two-Three-Four and then our time was up. For the four of us it…

What are you talking about? Last weekend I saw you walking out of Billington's with an armload of '78's, poseur.

Listening to Lux Interior's muffled crying during "Lonesome Town" makes me feel like I've gone insane. It gives me the chills. I can't think of many other songs that really do that to me.

Neil Hamburger is great. I've mostly only seen clips on Youtube, but I would love to see him live.

I have one of those 2fers CD's that is The Cramps Psychedelic Jungle combined with Gravest Hits. I've had that for about 25 years. It's still really fucking good.

Look. When you're famous, you can just grab them by the tusk and shove your tongue down their throats.