I scrolled down hoping someone would mention this. In the book, he goes out of his way to address the cheap multi-tool that was gifted to him.

A son, huh? Lucky bastard. I have twin 4 year-old daughters. I had to keep them in the stall with me one time while I pinched one off in a Chic-fil-A. Next time I’ll just shit my pants. It’ll be better for all parties.

So, wearing sweatpants sans underwear to the strip club is something I have to earn? Bullshit to that, I say!

I kept watching, waiting for the claws to come out of the tires. Kinda disappointed.

Yeah, something about ET’s pasty, near lifeless body at the bottom of a creek getting picked over by raccoons is not the most healthy thing for a 7 year-old to see. Thanks for taking me to the movies, Mom & Dad.

That’s what they call a “fight” huh? These two could put on a better fight right now.

I hear the grille alone costs five grand.

Or if you’ve seen the Nic Cage version of Gone in 60 Seconds...oh, you have? I’m sorry. Well, welcome to Jalopnik, we’re kind of a support group for folks who’ve been through this experience.

The Philippinos are not to be trifled with. They’ve been adept at killing for a long time. They still train with these and are damn deadly:

Solomon Grundy want pants too!

If the Japanese government was so ready to surrender, why did the U.S. have to drop a second bomb? They were warned by Truman before the first bomb was dropped. The Japanese had every opportunity to surrender. Oh, and let's not forget who started the fight in the first place.

My old man’s HHR from back in the day. It, much like my old man, was quite a character.

They should probably send Hitchbot to Bel Air.

You should listen to your friend Billy Zane. He’s a cool dude.

He plays a meathead wrestler, it's not exactly a stretch for him. Now, Steve Carrell? That guy was good/creepy in it.

European Vacation also had boobs, which is almost always a good thing. Something sorely missing in Christmas and Vegas.

Not to get into semantics, but that’s not the Eagles, that’s Joe-fucking-Walsh. Don Henley/The Eagles are what your dentist listens to when he’s washing his base-model Corvette in the driveway and drinking the 3 Bud Light Limes his wife limits him to.

Of course it's zero horsepower, they would drown!