I don’t know if this really counts as sick, but I did get a horrible period when I was 15 at Ozzfest in Texas in the middle of the summer. That wouldn’t have been so bad but I was there with three of my uncles. None of my aunts had come along and there was no place at all that sold tampons or pads in the venue. Not…

Oh wow, that’s so scary. That congregation sounds like it’s full of assholes.

When I was 18 and working at a convenience store, a cute boy that worked in the same building as me asked me out at the end of the work day. I had had a crush on him pretty much from the first time I saw him 6 months earlier, so I accepted and went back to work. Apparently the butterflies in my stomach set off a…

Back in the late 80s, I lived with my sister in Dallas. One year we threw a truly epic Fat Tuesday party, with Hurricanes as the beverage of choice. I drank a lot of Hurricanes.

It was the summer before grad school and even though I wasn’t supposed to start my internship until August, my supervisor invited me along to a three day conference in June to get to know the rest of the team. I was completely nervous but stoked to give a great first impression. About one day into the conference, I…

I love running, but on occasion I get runners gut (if you are unfamiliar with runners gut, it is the incredible need to take a shit RIGHT NOW that you can get from increased blood flow to your intestines, and jiggling during a long run. It is the reason why that picture of a marathon runner with diarrhea running down…

SFO. Before I dropped my hubs at the airport, he wanted sushi, because he was going to Puerto Rico for three weeks on a business trip and knew he would spend the entire trip eating roadside barbeque, fried plantains, and beans and rice.

I think I’ve got the creme de la creme. When I was 12, my family took a trip to Disneyworld. The first day there we did the usual rides, food, etc. (Tower of Terror is the shit!!!!). While waiting in line for The Great Movie Ride I started getting a little groin pain. At first I thought I just really needed to pee.…

I didn’t know it at the time, but all over the toilet of the guy that I wanted to be dating, but was just fucking around with because he had a long-distance girlfriend. I had drank way too much at the bar trying to impress him by matching him shot-for-shot with Jaegermeister. I was mortified when he told me that I had…

THIS IS HAPPENING

When I was 17 and driving home one afternoon (from drinking a bunch of water and taking a urine drug test for a job), I started to feel very nauseous. Unfortunately I was unable to hold myself together and threw up all over myself and the inside of the car while driving... and then I hit the car in front of me. I had…

I have a super dramatic fainting story. When I was in college, whenever I came home for breaks I had to go to church with my family (I was an atheist then as now, but it was a requirement of the house.) It was a super conservative catholic church with latin mass. It goes without saying there was to be no eating before…

I got food poisoning from bad seafood at a beach in France before getting on a transatlantic flight. (Don’t get shrimp delivered to your cabana. Just don’t.) I don’t even remember how many hours the flight was. I threw up more times than I had previously believed was possible.

I had to do a midterm speech for my public speaking class in college. Prof was insane and literally allowed zero make ups for midterm and final speeches. I was crazy sick with some God awful stomach virus. I went anyway, not wanting to fail. I was the color gray, clammy and so sick feeling. I ended up barfing on my…

I am the queen of IBS. When faced with a stressful event, I get really bad constipation followed by a diarrhea explosion. I usually make it in time, but here are my top two blowouts:

When I was younger, I couldn’t handle the combination of grilled cheese and chocolate milk. I’m not lactose intolerant, so I don’t know why the gross combo sent me into violent projectile vomiting?

I realized that I have a number of stories where I threw up in public. When I was six, my family was moving to South Dakota. We stopped at a Holiday Inn. My parents were checking us in while I waited in the car. I started to not feel good. I got out of the car and started to walk toward the front desk to tell them. I…

Oh my gosh I’m actually here when a Pissing Contest goes up! And I have a story! The fates have aligned!

Okay, so, I was on a field trip, I was 10 years old, we were on a bus, I get bus sick. So, obviously, I threw up on the bus on a field trip aged 10. Boring story. EXCEPT! I _knew_ I was going to get sick, and when I…

Boston, rush hour, broad daylight, driving down the freeway. I was in the Navy at the time, and we’d come off a night shift and gone out drinking at 10 am. By the time we headed home at 4:00 that afternoon, I was completely shitfaced. We were in the middle of traffic, but going fast enough that the barf blew all over…

(I am writing this on behalf of my dog).