...We want to eat with Meatloaf People like you.”

You have made my day. You really have.

i love you

Shit, I could actually hear the tune in my head when I read that.

I would do anything for meatloaf, but I won’t do that.

Neither of those happened in NASCAR.

One of these men is a high-ranking member of a despicable organization that ruins people’s lives, steals their money, and treats their employees like subhuman scum. The other is Tom Cruise.

‘Why on Earth did you draft Tebow?!’

Purposely trolling a practice for a fake thing that probably won’t matter to begin with needs to be known as ‘Trumping”.

Precious Little Assholes... now THAT is a great band name.

No one who says “Just saying.” are ever just saying anything.

It’s now how you learn the game. It’s how you practice very specific techniques.

deadpool: alright, were gonna pause the movie for about 10 minutes so you can read up on the back story of this ugly mofo back here. go ahead you fucks, take out your phones that you have been itching to touch and look it up.

“They should have an IQ test before people are allowed to vote! Say, I wonder if there were ever any polling tests in the past.”
*reads history*
“...I’m so sorry. Forget I said that. Oh hell.”

Smoke from a tire fire will also keep mosquitoes away. Has nothing to do with the tires. Mosquitoes don’t like smoke.

There is nothing I can print that won’t be subject to Pinkham’s Law. If I printed “a customer came in and stabbed me in the face” I would get replies of “WELL MAYBE YOU DESERVED IT.”

God, that last one is like a Monty Python sketch. It’s ex-ice cream! It’s ice cream pining for the fjords!

SHAKING BAD

“Cut the horseshit, son, and just order off the menu.”