Getting trapped in a pipe that is wide enough to allow me to breathe and wriggle a bit, but too narrow to allow me to sit up or maneuver into any position other than flat on my back or belly.

Funny... I don't seem to have a "Publish this unfunny, unoriginal random bullshit" button on my screen. How'd you get one on yours?

Hoisted by his own petard.

Are you SURE this was a tailgate party? I mean, "Las Palmas Life Care Center" has all the ring of a Methadone clinic.