“Athletic opportunist” is apparently a lucrative gig.

“Duke makes more than Ocean.”

Ocean sounds like a mean girl. I do not like Ocean.

Of course he makes more than Ocean. Of course.

Clearly taken from the legend of La Quentessa, a ghost who wanders the earth searching for the children she drowned in mango habanero salsa.

Y’all, they plagiarized the pitch. Gillian Flynn should sue.

I think Jamba Juice needs a spokeswoman named Watermelondrea.

I am looking to hire cooks and waitstaff for my newest restaurant - Punchie’s This Is How We Serve It.

You know, all those scientific studies that showed spiritual consequences.

“I have deeply held religious beliefs that I need to be able to lie to all the patients!”

I think we’re getting to the point where people just find facts and reality itself offensive. I’m waiting for someone to sue the CDC for offending their religious liberty.

I’d be horrified if I ever came in contact with a penis that was QUIVERING

It simply boggles my mind that someone, anyone, would say those specific words to a grieving father whose child has just commited such a horrifc act and has died. Yes, that child was a monster, but he was still that man’s child.

So is he saying that these mass murders are committed by children that come from single parent/absentee father homes and in order to prevent these tragedies we should ban abortion and thus create more single parent/absentee father homes?

This is fucking stupid.

“Hey, parents who lost kids to guns, and you other communists who care about that, what you don’t understand is that your kid’s death was something that happened to YOU, while the possibility of me losing my gun is something that would happen to ME. So. Big difference.”

He dismembered a goat, drank its blood, may be a neo-Nazi, and yet this guy’s still only a fraction of a percent crazier than the lunatic fringe the mainstream GOP candidates pander to on a regular basis.

I understand why Whyllie would quit the party over this. A crazy nutbag like this guy really jeopardizes the Libertarian Party’s chances to get 0.7% of the vote.

It has been said that I am a racist and a neo-Nazi. I guarantee you that my Puerto Rican ex-wife, our half-Puerto Rican children, and my half-Colombian step-children—not to mention my string of Latina girlfriends—would be quite shocked to hear of this.

God, it must really be awful for those creators to have a bunch of people on the internet making assumptions about their intentions and criticizing them publicly. Good thing it’s only on twitter though, imagine if there was a whole app, just for that!