It’s written in the bible that if your husband dies, his brother is supposed to marry you. And if he won’t, you take off his shoe in public and for the rest of time his family is known as the unsandaled.

She sounds like she belongs in a David Sedaris essay.

*looks up song on youtube

I went to a wedding where the bride’s father sang “Butterfly Kisses” to the bride, complete with cupping her chin and caressing her hair. All of the guests were sighing and crying, while I was rolling in mostly silent laughter and generally losing my shit.

No because that would be my crazy Aunt who did the following:

Was there food, that you could eat? Good wedding.

She’s an asshole, that much is clear. But the WORST wedding guest has to actually do something at the wedding to ruin said wedding. Case in point, at my husband’s brother’s wedding when his drugged up uncle jumped on stage with his tie wrapped around his head and attempted to play the keyboard. Then started a…

I feel bad that Harold Ramis is gone.

Mine came out a few days late only after I threatened to turn off the free wi-fi.

I keep telling my husband there’s going to be a regular hospital bag and a cold hospital bag which will contain the fixings for my damn salami sandwich. I’ve eaten some cooked but it is NOT THE SAME.

On the other hand, there’s my coworker’s wife, who refused to consume anything that was cooked in alcohol while pregnant. “You know the alcohol cooks off, right?” A very prim “Yes, well, better safe than sorry” was the reply to that.

Listeria sounds like a flower. One of the annoying ones people want at their weddings all the time.

My mom wore a skirt suit. It was Europe in 1966, so of course. Also, she put her veil on backwards, the bow was supposed to face the back. She wasn’t very sentimental so who knows whatever happened to this fabulous little frock, alas. Bonus, my fabulous grandma in a turban right behind her.

It’s pretty crazy, right? It wasn’t even on the Anne Frank House’s property! So a neighbor was dealing with the sad, dying tree, and couldn’t do much about it but accept the crazy iron work to hold it up. It probably would have been safer to have to removed by an arborist and let the Anne Frank house have the wood for…

Please tell me he’s dyed pink in the first pic.

And when they sputter and ask if he’s a bichon MIX?

Cat fluffers? Poor kitties.

Trying not to think too hard about how they harvested the sperm.

Too bad they couldn't have done like the Anne Frank house chestnut (now fallen) and grow saplings from it. The babies from Anne’s tree are all over the world now!

Once, as a teenager, I worked for a couple hours as a favor to my friend’s dad, handing out free samples of this really terrible energy bar at Costco. People will eat literally anything if it’s free and in a small accordion paper cup. This bar tasted like dirt rubbed in poo with some raisins in for a hellish texture…