I love this and think you should probably find a new dentist.

fuck you yoko i just got back from the dentist picking up my invisalign retainers that i wasn’t told i’d have to wear for the rest of my life but it’s ok cause they told me to follow their cleaning and wearing recommendations or i would get cavities and i followed all of them and i got cavities anyway and i guess i’m…

I have got to do what you know everyday that means you have to check on blood on your clothes or face. Are you a vampire slayer? 00 agent? Medical professional?

Kimberly. A shoelace neckline? And cargo pockets? WHY.

Oh Fiona, it is a sad sad world the one we live in.

I’m pretty sure that’s the whole reason she was invited in the first place. Who doesn’t love a crazy drunk guest that can get everyone focused on something other than how uncle bob and grandma aren’t talking much since cousin Jill’s dui conviction? Also, nice way to get your wedding mentioned in the gossip mags.

The Fitzgeralds (names changed) lived next door to us for years. Mrs. Fitzgerald, Peg, was a wilder mom than my sweet Southern Belle mom. Peg smoked cigarettes with a holder, and wore super dramatic eye makeup and flamboyant, brightly colored muu-muus - kind of like a cross between Lovey Howell from Gilligan’s Island…

My great uncle was a llama rancher for most of his life; never married, just ALL LLAMAS, ALL THE TIME.

I think you just described Northern Ireland.

Okay, so let me preface this with a trigger warning: This story relates to the death-by-firearm-suicide of a young person, and includes some description of his body post-mortem. Just putting that out there for people who find that difficult to deal with.

I went to a funeral for a teenager and the service sheet was written in Comic Sans.

I basically babbled. Something along the lines of, “I’m so glad he has such an open minded and loving family, but I’m not a sex worker and I really only know him from the amazing stories my new coworkers tell me. I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sure I would’ve loved him but maybe not that way but maybe that way…

So a week after I started this job, a guy who no longer worked at the publication I worked for died in a car accident. I never met him, and he was a copy editor so it wasn’t like I was familiar in any way with him through what he wrote.
But nevertheless, the EOC said everyone needed to go. So I went. And somehow the…

I’ve gotta be honest, For most of my life I HATED cats. I thought they were selfish, creepy, stuck up, & disloyal. I’ve just always had dogs, I’ve never been a cat person. After I met my girlfriend I met her cat Dash. Dash was found living in the foundations of an ULTA in the middle of winter. He was sick & incredibly…

This reminds me of a thing that happened to me once. I came home after a long day, stripped as soon as I walked in the door as usual, and my neighbor started knocking on my door. He is 81 and seriously into neighborhood watch so he always comes over to tell me the sketchy stuff he has seen and what I should look out…

I’m still annoyed there was no Yoko tweet today. It’s become a daily thing for me to give a dramatic reading of her brain droppings to my husband and dog. The dog always nods sagely then licks what used to be his balls, while my husband just stares at me as if I had a horn growing from my forehead.

I appreciate all the tweets being put on the main page. I didn’t even have to click! I love when something that was clearly accidental makes it easier for me to be lazy.

You should make a list of things that need to be done in order for the house to be cleaned, and have him agree that if, after a month or two of him helping with those things, it’s just not getting done, he will agree to hire a cleaner.

The main reason that air travel was so great? The people were a bit narrower and the seats were much wider with much more leg room. Also, they used to give you playing cards on the plane and you could keep them. I’m just saying what I’m saying.