It’s hopeless for me. I find myself raising my eyebrows and making faces and whatnot even while having imaginary conversations. :-)

Really should be fine with a full lining.

Apparently “geometric patterns” is a culture. It is populated by those people in your math problems who buy 70 watermelons and leave Dallas on trains travelling 60mph.

I feel like it’s also pretty funny shade that “festival” and “whites” are practically identical. They might as well both be under the heading “basic.”

Thank you. Not “relationship,” either. Predatory behavior and grooming. And fuck that fucking family.

Not “sex.”

I am personally offended by this guy because Keira Knightley is my Imaginary BFF, and how dare he insult her? All those feelings you people have about Jennifer Lawrence? I have them for Keira Knightley instead.

I SET FIIIIIIIIIIRRREEEEEE TO THE RAAAIIN

My uncle once witnessed one of his fish giving birth and immediately turning around and eating the babies.

We got a saltwater tank and a clownfish after Finding Nemo and that little fucker killed EVERY fish we bought. We ended up with a 55 gallon tank and one clownfish in it. Because Nemo is an asshole.

Eh, I don’t think men make a big deal out of displaying their dicks in the bathroom. Most folks just want to pee and get out. I think she is far more traumatized by this raging maniac trying to beat up her dad than she would have been by a glimpse of penis.

Don’t lock up the phone, just lock up the kids. Problem solved.

My senior year of high school, some of the students passed around a hat in the cafeteria and everyone threw in $2. With that money, we had enough to hire a mariachi band to follow the principal around for three hours. This photo is kind of crappy, but it’s the only one I could take that day.

I had no idea this was a problem. Whenever I’m in a typing field, backspace works as expected for typing. When not in the typing field, it takes me to the previous page, as I like it to. Over years of using chrome (or any other browser that behaves exactly the same way) I don’t think it’s ever accidentally taken me…

That’s not fair. I will place a large sum on Trump not being delicious when filleted and baked with garlic and lemon butter.

I feel like forgetting to text someone because you just birthed a baby is kind of excusable.

that’s some good advice from Andrew WK, btw.

Why the fuck would you send a video of your wife giving birth to family and friends? Nobody wants to see that! Just send a pic of the baby and everyone will be just as happy.

My husband does this too, usually from another room. I find it hilarious. Funnier still when I send him pics of random dicks in return, but he doesn’t agree.

Rather than condemn millennials—and those, shall we say, contaminated by them—for shirking “responsibility” through discourse, let’s acknowledge our more pressing duty: to stop policing speech, and instead welcome the voices clamoring to be heard.