For a second, I thought that was John Mulaney. In which case, yes, I would love to see John Mulaney play Elvis. 

There is nothing more quintessentially New York than an old white coot telling a Puerto Rican born in the Bronx to “go back to your country.”

Blue Lives Matter. Unless they're black. In which case, Rent-A-Cop Lives Matter. 

Luvdisc evolved forms are Clitoreen and Geespot.

Joe Arpaeio in a wig. 

So Roman Polanski, Harvey Weinstein and Donald Trump walk into an English pub...

Do you know the scene in Skyfall where Javier Bardem describes how they got rid of rats on an island by trapping them all in a pit and letting them eat each other until only two horrible cannibal rats remained?

I see that the new season of Friday Resignations has started. 

Actually, the strip club tourney at Doral is because TRUMP ISN’T MAKING MONEY ON HIS GOLF COURSES.

Homes have crawl spaces out of necessity. In clay or silt soils, the ground may not support a concrete slab. So instead, the foundation is built around where a slab would be using masonry.

Fast travel is one of the worst game mechanics out there. I get the reasoning - players don’t want to spend hours schlepping across the map. But then why make such a big map.

I, too, wish you both were fried chickens.

At a certain point, our concentration camps will become death camps.

Never forget Trump’s favorite President - Andrew Jackson.

Dave Matthews Band sucks and SiriusXM sucks more for giving its own channel.

OK. I think I get what you're saying but just to be clear, what you're saying is that Idris Elba is going to play King Triton. 

Oh come on! Who here HASN'T barricaded a drunken semiconscious teenage girl in the basement and forcibly had sex with her, filmed it, and then laughed about raping her? 

I don’t ask for much. Just that at Trump’s next meeting with Kim Jong Un, they serve some Rhinegeist at a tepid 78°.

In a story that has flown a bit under the radar, Trump has decided that, yes, he wants tanks for his parade after all.

The only reason I stay on Nextdoor is to lol at my panicky white neighbors and to troll the asshats who throw the Bible into every discussion.