Yeah, I actually love Dots, which are maybe the blandest-tasting candy in existence. I’m pretty sure they’re designed specifically for 90-year-olds. Circus peanuts are good too though; people’s complete hatred for them fascinates me.

I haven’t lived in Philly for a while, but yeah, I remember Bob Ford as being one of the more rational and non-crazy sports writers. I guess he was not having a good day?

Sorry, I just realized that my comment sounded bizarre. I just meant it was fun to get to go to Chuckie Cheese’s and eat bad pizza and suck at Skee-ball. And I am sorry to hear about this comedian’s death; I’ll stop talking now.

Yeah, according to reports, the adults in charge were right there. And did, as you say...  nothing.

Yeah, my mom is an amazing cook, who, for instance, grew up in Florence, Italy and makes pasta by hand. She would go to McDonald’s with me. It’s fine if you don’t eat it every day. I never had a birthday there, but other kids did. If you’re like seven years old, your metabolism can handle McDonald’s pretty well.

As someone who used to overly enjoy going to Chuckie Cheese’s when I was dating a woman with a child, I would just like to say, that video was awesome. And I don’t know anything else about Kevin, but I will look up his work now.

“...But is not limited to contumacious behavior, divisive conduct, and participating in, supporting, or condoning sexual immorality, homosexual activity or bi-sexual activity, promoting such practices, or being unable to support the moral principles of the school.”

The sandwich was not invented by the Earl of Sandwich — not true, a myth, and clearly people thought of putting meat on bread in the 6.000 years of recorded history before that. And all his other opinions were wrong, too, but I mean, he is a good actor, so no offense. ...If we wanted to call a hot dog a “sandwich,” we…

Yeah, to me, it just looked like two incredibly tall people running into each other. I mean, if someone falls on you and they’re 7'2", that’s going to be a mess. I do admit—and I say this as a Sixers fan—that Westbrook’s “fuck no” was pretty good though. Plus one points there; I admit it.

It is beyond my understanding how I keep ending up in the grays for saying things like, “Hey, it was maybe a good idea that the Sixers tanked for a long time, but I’m not sure?” Meanwhile, horrible people like this “Mutt” person just reappear again and again. Sigh. It makes me feel tired. No one cares about what you…

Yes, who can ever forget that classic song from the movie that I’ve never seen?

I worked in Turkey as a teacher, and did not realize that you could literally be arrested for making a joke about Erdogran. (Which I of course did many times.) He has actually tried to arrest Turkish comedians who live abroad for making jokes. And also tried to arrest poets. What a tremendous asshole. (Couldn’t think…

I’m sure lots of other people will mention this, but—he’s terrified of germs. Seriously. Not making this up, not trying to be funny. He eats fast food and lots of pre-wrapped candy, and then food from his own restaurant because it’s “safe.” This is in no way a joke. It’s depressing that I even have to write this about…

Can someone explain Kinja to me? Have many times do I have to get out of the grays, only to go back there again? Especially when my most controversial take has been something like, “I was rooting for the Eagles, but that was a really upsetting way for the Bears to lose.” Shocking stuff, I know.

Aw, I wanted to make this joke.  : /

Why, this is a bigger schism that the election of two different popes by the Cardinals, leading to the deaths of tens of thousands in unceasing but ultimately futile religious wars during the 15th century!

Oh, yeah. And it wasn’t even fun to for me watch the Super Bowl. And I’m actually more of a basketball fan, which in Philly is its own unique kind of pain. But I was actually in Philly for the first time in years, randomly, on a lay-over, for the “big game” last year--and I was like, I do not want to watch the Super…

*er, ‘yard,’ not ‘year,’ obviously. stupid typos...

Like, I’m an Eagles fan, and I promise that I’m not concern-trolling. I also live abroad, currently, so I hadn’t even seen this clip until now (can’t really watch the game at 4am in Eastern Europe; not really an option). But like, that clip is brutal: the kicker is really upset. Clearly, I wanted us to win—but I still…

You’re scaring me.